About the Stove
  Newest Stuff
  Old News
  Stove History

  Site Index
  Back Issues

  Salamando Radio
  Message Boards
  Mailing List

  Legal Shit
  Thanks and Stuff
  Contact Info
 The Death of Aeris
You know what my favorite part of FF7 was? When Aeris died. No really, I actively enjoyed watching that little harlot die. That brazen hussy. That... woman of questionable morals. Plus, anyone who uses a staff as a weapon deserves whatever they get. Um, as long as it's bad. Yeah.

At any rate, if I could create a game, it would be nothing but killing Aeris. Think about it, you could be like, Sephiroth or something, and you have to jump and kill Aeris in the most impressive way. Then you get points for like, timing it right and stuff. Like if you do a double-backflip decapitation you get a lot of points and if you fuck up all over the place and give her AIDS and she dies in a really slow boring way you get a game over. Hey, if people will buy Vagrant Story, they'll buy this.

Which reminds me, I want hate mail. In fact, if there's any reason I'm doing this it's to get flamed by as many people as possible. Only stupid people who deserve to die get AIDS. If one of your family members got it, I'm glad because they're probably God-hating homosexuals. Picture me laughing really obnoxiously and loudly here. I think I'm going to laugh in a HAW! HAW! style from now on. ...stop looking at me like that, alright?

So yeah, back to Aeris dying. When I got The Sims, I finally saw a potential realization of my true dream - a bunch of people running around peeing themselves and being late for work. Wait. I mean, one house and four doomed Aerises... Or is that Aerii? Whatever. WHERE IS THE DIMENSIONAL INTERLUDE?

How do you kill an Aeris? Well, the World of the Sims is fraught with peril. Unfortunately it's just the kind of peril that will just piss you off. It's actually really hard to kill someone unless you're really stupid or really deliberately trying to. And I am. Even then it's more challenging than trying to find anything besides boxes, bats, and boring shirtless guys in Vagrant Story. HAW! HAW! VIDEO GAME JOKE. First off: death by starvation.

As you can see, somehow the genius just stood there while I built cabinets around her. HA. And of course, she's too stupid to climb over the counters too. Oh well. Contrary to popular belief, though, death by starvation takes a while. A very long while. And you have to hear them bitching the WHOLE DAMN TIME. "I'm hungry! Waah waah!" is what I'm sure she'd say if she spoke English instead of what sounds like French run through Babelfish. DAG DAG!!

Next came Aeris 2 and Aeris 3's time. This time, I decided to set them on fire.

You can't tell by looking at one gratifying shot, but it took a while to kill them this way, too. What's that? Oh no! A firefighter came in to rescue them! Hey, stop that! It's their time to go! Fuck off, you... fire-stopping dude! Aeris 3 thought it would be a great time to take a nap. You know, while the house is burning. And in the background, Aeris 4 though now would be a PERFECT time to get in the hot tub. I agree.

I was going to kill Aeris 4 by waiting until the TV broke and electrocuting her, but it proved too much trouble. So instead I left to play my twisted family where I have 4 wives and she came to visit and be snide. Also talk about boating or something. Whatever. Go dance the charleston, you flat bitch.

If you're the type of person who thinks "ITZ SO SAD HWY SHE HAVE TO DIE" or ran a page like "The Flowers That Bloom In The Church ~ Tribute To Aeris ^_^", and feel the need to send me email like D0D0!11 U SUK I KIL YOU!11 because I did this, please, please send me hate mail. Oh, aslo if you're upset about that AIDS thing, drop me a line too. Drop me a line. What a stupid expression. I'm Sakura.


You know I couldn't avoid that joke.

I'm having a hard time padding this out now. I took like 25 screenshots but as you can see a grand total of eight of them got used. On the other hand, since 10 of them were pictures of various aerises (that almost rhymes) in the hot tub with captions like HAW! HAW! SHE'S IN A HOT TUB!! I AM A GENIUS FOLKS!!. Also what I hate is when people write a history of them arguing with a group of other people and use all this overwrought prose like THE GREAT WAR HAD REACHED A STALEMATE AND ALL SIDES PAUSED TO DEVELOP NEW TERRIBLE WEAPONS!! and you stop and remember: IT'S LAMERS YELLING "GAYSTATION SUCKS" AND "N64 BLOWS" AT EACH OTHER. Also - wait. I'm rambling. OK. What was I talking about? Right - Aeris dying and pictures thereof. Ahhh... yeah. Burning, starving, and whatnot.

Look! She's a ghost! Like in FF7! HAW! HAW! Uhhhhhhhh... alright. Let's just cut this short. But not without seeing this once again.

Aaah, how vindicated I feel. Yes. Mmmmm.

Back to the index

Written by Evk and posted on 12-13-00.
This article is 2000 Nick Hammer, mostly because WrexSoul won't take credit for writing most of it.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.