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 Games We Won't Review

Miniture Reviews

Amazingly there is a grateful abundance of wacky games out there for bored losers with video game pages to review. So many, in fact, that it is quite impossible to review them all. Not only that but sometimes a game is just interesting enough to earn mention, though what more you can mention is beyond me. So, in order for these amazing games to live on forever through song, we present to you

Games We'll Probably Never Review.

I was lied to through song. Woe pity angst.

Dragon Warrior III

A classic tale of lesbians, blue people, and repetitive fetch quests. After a fun week of building levels, watch everyone address me as if I belonged to the opposite gender.

Clock Tower

A grey dutch boy wearing knickers and weilding a huge pair of scissors chases the world's slowest schoolgirl around a mansion. This game feels eerily like Maniac Mansion, except all you can do is run away and the TV dosn't work.

Some game with an untranslatable Japanese title

You play a chick with a huge ass. Her ass is so huge you could launch airplanes off it. And you dance. I guess this is supposed to be a fighting game, only you dance. There's a button that's just for dancing. I can't make this stuff up.

Earthbound

If I were to review this game, it'd just be so I can work in a screenshot of your mom saying "You sure like to eat Ass, don't you?" Sadly I don't think that would work so I'd probably try and distract you with boobs.

Dragon Quest VII

You're a fisherman who saves the world. Look, I'm not kidding here. You're a fisherman who saves the world. Let me repeat in case you don't understand: You're a FISHERMAN. Who SAVES THE WORLD.

JFK:2

Back from the grave with a vengance and an Arctic Warfare Magnum. Take Johnny behind the scopes and attempt to take out terrorsts and assasins in this early NES classic.

Hentai Columns

Play an impossibly difficult version Columns solely for the promise of pornographic cartoons at the end of each level! Drop those gems until you're ready to go insane, then save your state, pause the emulation, and jerk yourself blind!

Never Say Kant

A twisted tale of human paradigms and schema! You get to play Immanual Kant on his search for reason. Collect the pieces of the Copernican Revolution and save the princes, but look out for David Hume! After beating the game you can play through a new game + with a different overworld map!

Some game I forgot the name of (SNES)

A Banpresto game, which means it's fucking weird. You play as little dimented mech guys. You can also, for no reason at all, play as Ultraman. I'm serious. YOU try to make a joke out of this game that's funnier than actually playing it.

Yuki Preset

Let's go on a magical journey to the land of Yuki Preset! Fire up this wacky game and let's all guess: How much Japanese do you need to know to understand this game? The answer turns out to be: a lot more than I know.

Thus Spoke Zarathusra

Oh no! Evil Dr. Neitzche Man is on the loose! Playing as one of the Super Saint Syber Squad, can you stop him before he convinces humanity that God is dead? Choose between "Rad to the Bone" St. Michael, "Spikes" St. George, St. "Peter the Powerhouse", and my favorite, "The Big J" St. Joseph.

Serial Killer

A sim game where you get to stalk your victims. Choose from many diffrent options like "dismember", "sexual torture", and my personal favorite, "cook and eat". Can you convince the media that porn and computer games made you do it?

Dragon Ball Z Super Death Bout GT 3 Final

I'm pretty sure I just made that one up.

Final Fantasy 4

A magical quest for knowledge: Is the translation THAT BAD? The startling answer: Yes. So bad, in fact, that a group of losers decided to re-translate it and actually managed to make it WORSE. It also features the first Angsty Hero to appear in a Final Fantasy game. BLEAH.

Bionic Commando

The intro to this game is completely nonsensical. I sometimes wish that finding a game like that was enough and that there should be a tax fund set up to have people write the rest of the review for me.

FART

Can you bottle enough farts to cure cancer? If so, you get to play the bonus stage wherein you try to cram as many inside jokes into one article without explaining them as possible. I think. It's in Japanese, so it might be about squid ice cream or something. I hope so.

SimCanada

I'm pretty sure I made this one up too.

Kunio

An amazing game where you play a white-uniformed schoolboy with a pimp as you go out on your mad quest to beat up businessmen and schoolgirls in hotel lobbies. At least I think so because I didn't get much farther than that. I actually reviewed this, but Wrex never posted it and now it's on the slag heap. The jist was: Beat up schoolgirls. Thank you.

Tetris Attack

Tetris Attack is a game that has nothing to do with Tetris or attacking. SURPRISE!! Also, WrexSoul really likes this game, but I'm staying away from it because I assume it's the videogame eqvilant of heroin: It makes you go insane and costs an incredible amount of money.

Parodius

I don't know what to say about this, but that's never stopped me from crapping out six paragraphs about a game before. Huzzah!

Back to the index

Written by Wrexsoul and Evk and was posted on 11-28-00. Cali-X helped too.
This feature is 2000 Zach Francks, Nick Hammer, and YOUR MOM! OOH! BURN!
SadBot@salamando.net


 
Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.