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 The Triumphant Return of Salamando's Stove

Queen of Heart 2000: Party's Breaker!

Many of you would remember my review of Queen of Heart '99. I tell myself that because that makes me feel important and prolific and stuff. Well guess what- I have played YET ANOTHER QUEEN OF HEART game! So not only am I now showing off my borderline creepy fascination with schoolgirl fighting games, but I'm beating the same crazy concept into the ground! ill pound u six feet underground, bro

But I promise, these will be ALL NEW JOKES. They're certified funny by me. And I didn't just steal that from Mitch Hedberg. Harriiight

As you can see, this game is hilarious. I mean, get this- in this attack you call for help, right? And then ALL THESE SCHOOLKIDS COME AND BEAT THE PERSON UP FOR YOU!11 Holy shit, that is just too fucking hilarious! And look at the background- there are like, people in weird outfits. WHAT'S WITH THAT?!?!?! I mean, those Japanese people are fucking fucked up man, right? Did I rub in your face yet that I'm taking Japanese class in college? Watashi wa unuboreta!

... And that's as much as I had written before I gave up and tried looking through my SNES directory for games I couldn't pronounce. And that's where I found Chibi Maruko-chan something or another. IT HAD ALL THE PIECES: inscrutibly Japanese, based off of some kid show, crazy wackiness! This would be CRAYON SHINCHAN ALL OVER AGAIN!

My first draft was 8 pages long, and contained 3 screenshots. I altered a couple of images to make her appear to be naked, which I will omit from my exerpt for good taste. Here is perhaps the funniest part of the article. Those who haven't gone to the restroom should probably do so now. It's okay, I'll still be here when you get back.

...

Ok, ready for it?

...And in this stage, you run around tring to push the guy in the water or not get pushed yourself or something I don't know because this game is like sooooo japanese ^_^ and i don't really know whats going on because it's like, duh, i don't have an instruction manual and even if i did its not like i could read it except that im taking japanese and could use a dictionary for 4 hours and its soooo not worth it so i just played and lost a lot, basically. Anyway, what basically ends up happening a lot is you get, for no apparent reason, TOSSED. INTO THE CAMERA. It's like what the fuck, right?! WHAT - THE - FUCK. From this hilarious part of the game i made a high-larrrreous animated gif, which, when watched constantly and repeatedly for hours, will show you the true path of Jesus. No shitting you! Look, GOD IS IN THERE, not in some Burrito. These pants make me look TRIM.

HAHAHAHHHAHAHHA

That typing out haha is like a virtual applause sign. You're supposed to laugh to yourself and then write me fan mail. wrexsoul@salamando.net I ALWAYS LIKE FAN MAIL!

... where was I? Oh yeah, I was in the middle of a long and tedious outline of me playing through a game you never cared about! Let's move on!

At that point the review goes a bit dry, and reluctantly, I admitted to myself that perhaps a lackluster review done in the fashion of every other review in a sad attempt to relive our glory days or to mimick the masterful style of certain other writers would not be the best way to have anything remotely resembling a "triumphant return." So I threw a fit and didn't look at the webpage for 2 months.

That's when INSPIRATION struck, and I mean that in way that most closely means "plagarism." Evk had recently, in a surprise productivity attack, created a comical and curious trip through his ICQ recieved files directory. And I thought "Hey! I've recieved files too! I could do this! It'd be as good as coming up with an idea for myself!"

Just let me know if my self-mocking in this article ever goes way over the top.

Continue? Credit 2/2

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Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.