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 Salamando's Stove - Issue 5; June, 2000
- p11.
Coffeegrowing Lesbian Arrested in Exploding Robot Incident
Tomomi Denies Homosexuality
Tomomi denies recent speculations about her sexuality. Citing a big bee with a watergun as her 'life partner', Tomomi also threatend libel lawsuits against offending parties.
Repliforce Occupies Cities, Volcano, Jungle, and Jet Bike Stage.
Anonymous Stove Writer Falls Into X-Zone
After writing a single article, an unnamed writer for Salamando's Stove then vanished forever. "I just did it to get a Tactics portrait", claimed the writer.
Mario Party Still Sucks
S-piece Retires
In a shocking announcement Thursday, the S-piece revealed it was leaving the Tetris staff. Though speculations are abundant, rumors point toward the S-piece's declining performance and popularity rating.

New RPG Will Have Cute Sidekick

In an unexpected development, Working Designs annouced its upcoming RPG Legend of the Shining Holy Shining Sword Dungeon Death Tower IV will have an endearingly cute, peppy sidekick. "A cute sidekick is just what this game needs", said company spokesperson Peter Stuffinface. "Nothing like this has ever been seen before. This is the greatest new concept we've had since that character that talked in the third person." Also announced are plans for an inventive new 'battle system', in which players will fight 'monsters' for 'gold' and 'experience points'.

Death Takes its Toll of 9239 Gold

Alaron, a local paladin, reported yesterday that Death had taken a toll of 9239 gold from him. Alaron was slain yesterday by Sausagefist Mungbreath and Mongor the Comfortably Full. "If it weren't for this shit lag, I never would have died," claimed Alaron. "I mean I was just staring at a blank scren for 40 seconds, and then BOOM, I lose a fifth of my gold. I don't even have enough money for potions." After returning to town, Alaron set back into the fray to retrieve his corpse, only to have death take a toll of 6381 gold. Despite setbacks, Alaron vowed to "kick their fucking asses, just as soon as I can get my shit back."

Blackthorne_Pureheart claims PsychoSephiroth69 is a Fag

PsychoSephrioth69 came under fire by Blackthorne_Pureheart today during a controversial discussion in StarCraft USA-3. Blackthorne reported that PsychoSephiroth69 was a "TOTAL FAG" because "ONLY PUSSIES UES CHEATS". PsychoSephiroth69 responded that Blackthorne's allegations were "BULLSHTI" and that he "COLD KICK UR ASS>." Pureheart joined COOP VS COM without further comment. L0rd_}\/{agus[XzN], a bystander in the channel, expressed wishes for "just one game that isnt flooded with a billion cheaters."

Ask Alita is a monthly help advice column written by Alita the summoner. She is the best-selling author of the book My God, You're Pathetic, and a mother of "three useless shits." She can also be seen on the weekly radio show "Saturday with the Summoners" every Thursday night on Salamando Radio.
Dear Alita,

I'm a substitute teacher and mother of two. One day, I was subtituting my son's class and he misbehaved. Being personally embarrassed, I pulled down his britches and stuffed jalepeño peppers up his ass. On the way home I was killed by a party of paladins. Do you think these are related?

- Pondering in Perdition

Dear Pondering,

Dying can be a real setback sometimes, but if you post a request, you can usually find a player who is an even bigger loser than you to retrieve your corpse. However, don't forget that sometimes you feel like Almond Joy, sometimes you Mounds.

Dear Alita,

I run a book club for my neighborhood, and last week one of the members suggested we read Harry Potter IV for this month's selection. I'd much rather read some raunchy romance novel but don't want to ask because Betty's husband was killed by a romance novel. Should I kill her too or just masturbate to Harry Potter?

- Confused from Kalingen

Dear Confused,

Once, I saw a guy wearing only a Twist Headband and Leather Jacket. I clocked him with my staff, and he stumbled away mumbling about cheese and Dragon Spirit. And yet, even he wasn't as fucked up as you. Now why not tell me your address so I can cast Zodiac on you.

Mission Critical, Craft Under Attack

A poorly digitized voice annouced "MISSION CRITITCAL. CRAFT. UNDER ATTACK. SHEILDS DOWN!" today. The pilot of Alpha 1 vowed he would take immediate corrective action, starting with "Shooting some missles at that fag Blue two." Blue two was unavailable for questioning on Tuesday.

The Elder is Looking For You

Tuesday afternoon, it seemed like everyone in town was saying "The elder needs to see you." After wandering for some time, nobody seemed to give indication where the elder was or what he wanted. Shop keepers only reluctantly offered their wares after asking "Wasn't the elder looking for you? You better go see him." Tensions escalated when childhood friend, Eric, said "You're in big trouble! The elder is looking everywhere for you, and boy is he mad!" Matters were soon resolved as the elder appeared and decreed, even though he regrets it, "banishment from the town [was] the only way."

Sinistar Lives, Hungers

Wednesday heralded a new era as Sinistar announced that he lives and hungers. Dr. Safer Smashpharaoh, a Sinistar specialist, reported, "This is a big time for Sinistar lovers. Until recently, he has only lived OR hungered. This development is a critical step in Sinistar evolution and was higly anticipated for years. Perhaps in the near future he will acquire other amazing skills for the good of the entire Sinistar community." Then Dr. Smashpharaoh absorbed some bizzaro enegy and felt better.

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Written by Wrexsoul and Evk and posted on 07-014-00.
This article is ©2000 Nick Hammer and Zach Francks.
Evk@salamando.net; WrexSoul@salamando.net


Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' ©1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.