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 Reviews: Vagrant Story


Vagrant Story: The Latest Squaresoft Crapper

So I just got my hands on Square's latest game, Vagrant Story. Does it measure up? I can't tell you now because that would be just too consise so keep reading.

So I went to EB World the other day, becuase I was going to buy some action figures and take them home and see how many of them I could jam up my ass and call it a feature, but then I noticed Vagrant Story was being sold for only $20! Any game that cheap HAS to be good! So I got the last copy by tackling this pregnant woman who was going to buy it and now you get to read all about it.

Vagrant Story sucks horribly. It is completely without redeeming features, unless you hate Square and want to use it as an excuse; It is a poorly-constructed overcomplicated joyless boring box-pushing piece of crap. The music is bad; The story is bad; The controls are bad; The box is bad; The CD itself is bad; Everything about it and assosiated with it is bad and horrible and terrible and ungodly and generally constructed out of pure excrement. But wait, let me put everything in sections even though I just told you all the relevant information.

GAMEPLAY:

Imagine being on a rusty mechanical bull. Now imagine you were drunk and stupid. Now imagine someone broke your controller. Now imagine being a fucking retard. This is worse.

GRAPHICS:

I haven't seen polygon count this low since the Virtual Boy. Not to mention wonderful arrays of boxes. Everyone LOVES fucking boxes.

SOUND:

Lame sound effects accompanied by horrible crooning at best.

I would now enumerate the scores, but I haven't bored you with the lame-ass screenshots I took in the first 10 minutes of the game that I could actually stand sitting through. Remember not to steal our screenshots, you horrible wannabe VG news pages! I can see you right clicking them already!

Comments

Boy, I absoltely hate this game. However, since we give every singe game we get a hold of at least a seven, I give this a 9.5! It almost got a ten, but it didn't have the world "Zelda" in the title.

SCORES:

PRESENTATION: 0
There was more in Al Capone's vault.
GRAPHICS: 0
Mario paint level at best!
SOUND: 0
Pop your Win2k CD into the CD player while this game's playing. The data tracks are better than the awful background music!
GAMEPLAY: 0
I would put a clever analogy here too, but sufficed to say: bad.
LASTING APPEAL: 0
If you like this game, I hate you. I hate your family. I hate your pets. I hope you all choke on your own fucking vomit, you dirtbag.

OVERALL SCORE(not an average): 9.5



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Written by Wrexsoul and Evk and posted on 03-04-01.
This article is 2001 Nick Hammer and Zach Francks.
Evk@salamando.net WrexSoul@salamando.net


 
Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.