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 Go Go Ackman

Not many games can boast of having a villain seemingly styled after a cherished "Police Acadamy" joke, but hey here you go. With two characters to play as, upgradable weapons, some cool vehicle stages and a nemesis gayer than Richard Simmons doing squats, Go Go Ackman 3 is a great example of how a company can make a game with a homoerotic jailbaiter villain still enjoyable to play and safe for kids.

Angel City (making name up, fits) is policed by the Angel City Police Force, led by the "Angel City Police Chief", a leather-capped beefcake with a heart tattoo and loincloth hotpants who answers to GOD. Take one part George Micheal, two Chippendales dancers and half of Siegfried & Roy and you sum up Angel City Police Chief quite nicely. I don't know what his real name is so I'll just call him "GayGigas".

In the beginning, the cops detain some cherub in diapers after he challenges Ackman (our hero of the past two games) to a duel. Something to do with too much noise, or perhaps wasting police resources. As if it would be better spent buying donuts and gay porn..but at any rate Ackman interrupts the Angel Boys' court-martial at the Cop Shop. Ackman fights one of the police mechs and GayGigas, impressed with Ackmans' 733t fighting $|{177z, jumps down and...embraces...our hero.

He doesn't just embrace Ackman actually, he plants many kisses on the poor little kid, starting with a biiig mode7 scaling kiss centered on GayGigas' puckered piehole. This even shocks the Angel Boy, who wears nothing but diapers. Anyway after this blatant disregard for state bluecrime laws, GayGigas whisks Ackman away to an unspecified location, leaving Ackman to awaken the next day face down in a prison cell with Angel Boy inspecting his bottom.

If you really want to know what happens after this, you'd have to play the game, and make a guess for yourself. The homoeroticism (always a special thing to find in games with no obvious advisory rating) does tone down after these first few stages and you get some fairly innovative, fun levels. One in particular has your gunboat chased by a giant crab through a sewer, another cutting a giant oversized lawn and slicing up the occasional giant oversized baby bird. Eventually, GOD makes an appearance, berating GayGigas for a bit but seems to soften up considering GayGigas was just a pawn for some female angel with a bad tentacled venereal disease.

Honestly, I really don't know what the hell is going on here. Good thing that you don't need to in order to play it. Plot, background and storyline are always secondary to the action in oldish platformers like this. MAKE UP YOUR OWN STORYLINES. I guarantee it'll be better than the liberties most North American translators take on these games anyway. ("Holy? We can't call this spell Holy! We'll call it White! Yeah!") The only real message or moral this game can possibly offer is that if you happen to see a floating pair of glasses and false teeth addressing you, stop whatever you're doing and pay attention 'cuz it just might be GOD himself. I'll finish with a haiku:



So, I think now is as good a time as any to use my new SUP3R L33T screenshot-viewing device. Hold your breath everyone!


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Written by Cali-X and posted on 8-02-00.
This article is 2000 Calvin LaMont.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.