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 Hansei Zaru Jiro-kun
Oh no, better prepare yourself! It's a game review by WrexSoul! Yes, I've decided to take another crack at spouting a page or two about some game you'll probably never play while not being fucking boring. To make this succeed I'll be relying heavily on hacked screenshots and lesbian appeal. So read this while I go hide the knives. And the guns. And the knives with guns in them so when you stab people, you can shoot them for extra damage.

Well sit right down and I'll tell you the tale of a review never written. Once there was a stunningly absurd little game called Hansei Zaru Jiro-kun. I mean, this game makes Miracle Girls seem coherent compared to the unscrupulously Japanese ADHD insanity. So right to the point, this game is about a monkey. A monkey who is crusading against the evil forces of fruit. Who fights them with sports equipment. Of course, what better way to combat the armies of dark spooky produce than with basketballs?

So why has this been a bane on us for generations like some gypsie curse that shrunk our genitals to the size of rasins? Well, with such a wacky game, a review should practically write itself! I mean, shit- a monkey fighting fruit with tennis balls? We could only pray for such insane Japanese untranslatedness to wander on our doorstep, only to have it sputter and die a horrible bloody death all coughing and bleeding and giving it an unholy baby to take care of like we have nothing better to do this weekend. So while Evk should be giving himself hernias trying to keep a review from shitting itself out, he just can't come up with anything funny. Oh how his ancestors must be weeping celestial tears for him now.

So, since I've written anything funny anyway, I figure if I butcher this, nobody will notice. However, I'm really lazy and I've been gone all Summer picking up midgets at bars and raping their cats, so I'll just do what we end up doing for every pathetic excuse for a review we've ever done anyway: distract you with boobs, hacked screenshots, and really stupid captions. Aren't you lucky? I thoguht so.

Look at this! Her boobs are glued to her chin! Which explains why they're so perky! HAW HAWHEAJ:LKGHAGD Fuck, even I'm not drunk enough for this to be funny.

Well! This also isn't even in the game, but you'd believe me if I lied to you and said she's a hidden character! I can't tell you how many times people have asked me if Miracle Girls 2 is a real game. Sometimes I'm so great I amaze even myself! Just sit back and watch Genius WrexSoul's super skills!

This is the final boss of the game, right before he morphs into Zeromous level 4 super abyssal lightnig zappy funny bunny tinsel and glitter man! Please shoot my face.

HAW HAW! It has Mr. T! He pities the fool! And has a hella fast van! Let's get stupidly popular now! Because Mr. T is funny! HAW HAW he's so 80's and gold neclases and I remember him, haw.


Well then, wasn't that amazing? Don't you feel enriched? Now you see what happens when you doubt the power of Mana: God loses faith in his people and lets them fall into decadence and Ultima Online.

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Written by WrexSoul and posted on 08-20-01.
This article is 2000 Zach Francks.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.