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 Tokimeki Memorial: A Giant Leap in Angry Girlfriends
Or: WREXSOUL WRITES AGAIN

Somehow I got hooked on listening to Tokimeki Memorial music. They were from the sequals actually what with the singing and the Monday something OO FOO FOO whatever. I blame Evk and his magical band of harvest sprites and constantly running Audio Galaxy. Anyway, somehow I ended up with a copy of the Tokimeki Memorial ROM on my computer, and so I decided to face it with my face.

So for the ignorant slobs out there, Tokimeki Memorial is a dating sim. I'm not going to fill this review with lame-ass jokes about "OOH YOU GET TO -PRETEND- TO DATE SOMEONE!!1 THIS IS HOW I WANT TO SPEND MY FRIDAY NIGHTS!!11 JERKING ALL OVER TEH SKREEN." No, I want my lame jokes to be original lame jokes. Anyway, the part that freaked me out is this game looks and plays exactly like another game I have. A hentai game. Not that I uh do that kind of HEY LOOK, A MONKEY!!!

Anyway, apparently the way to WOO THE LADIEZ is to make your little guy do things for a week at a time and run into people a lot and not choose the dumb answer when they ask you a question. Since my knowledge of Japanese is shakey at best I just save state a lot. Wait, that wasn't funny. BLABHLABH LET'S GET SOME HUMOR IN HERE. Remind me to delete this shit. Basically, this is exactly like Princess Maker 2 except you're trying to get a virtual girlfriend in the process. This is what people did before Virtual Pets and Tomogatchi. Or maybe at the same time. I dunno, the 1990s were a blur of Super Nintendo and masturbation.

But I feel bad playing this game. For one, I keep expecting to, after my long hours of clicking, to be able to see VIRTUAL SEX with my would-be girlfriend. And I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! The treachery! And you know what happens when you grab her ass?

I find I see her making faces like this a lot. Not because I don't know how to play the game or anything- I just find screwing up and getting yelled a lot more rewarding than going on virtual dates to stupid places and eventually perhaps HOLDING HER HAND. OR MAYBE KISSING HER. I mean, shit- why would I pretend to have interest in a virtual girl who doesn't put out? I mean, it's bad enough in real life, I don't want to emulate it at home!

... So, consequently, this game's play time for me was only about long enough to get all of the angry faces I could find.

Let's see the many ways in which I have annoyed her:

Failing the justice system
Becomming a boy scout
Drawing her naked
Writing her into a lemon
Telling my friend how she doesn't put out
Writing bad covers of Pearl Jam songs
Uh....
Impaling her at the golf course
Becomming "indecent" in those tiny gym shorts

So anyway, at this point I've run out of fluff for this review, so I could go on many equally boring tirades about Tokimeki Memorial having good music and merchandise and not being translated or go back to whining about how there isn't any hentai, but - In the end, I think I'll just include an animated gif and then perhaps distract you with boobs and flee into the night.

[ NOTE: I LIED ABOUT THE BOOBS. NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT LIKE. HA HA HA ]

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Written by WrexSoul and posted on 10-20-01.
This article is 2000 Zach Francks.
WrexSoul@salamando.net


 
Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.