Okay, every other site on the planet has some Q&A guy out there, and we want one too, dammit! Of course, there's a lot of time and effort involved with that, and it usually includes a barrage of letters pouring in every day, which have to be filed, sorted, and answered. That and they have to be funny, which is the hardest thing to maintiain consistantly. Well since Evk and I are consistantly lazy and would never hold up under the stress of all that mail every day, we went looking for others to help... make the load easier for us. Well we got a bunch of replies for people who were really willing to help, but upon reflection, I'm not so sure about this.

So, we've gotten a few applicants. We have randomly generated questions fed to us by local denzians and 1000 spider monkeys on typewriters working next to a pile of burning hemp. Then we let the would-be applicants respond to them as best as possible. We'll keep the ones we like best.

ASK FEI

Dear Fei,
Recently I stumbled upon my husband and three of his freinds from work in bed with 12 chocobos and a huge moogle! He said they were just discussing politics, but I think they were having dirty filthy sex and I want in on it. How can I let him know without looking like a slut?
-Longing in Kislev

Dear Longing,

Why did I do it? I'm such a coward. I lashed out and called her a coward, but it was really I who was a coward. Oh why did I do it? Who am I, anyway?

- Fei Fong Wong Bong Wrong Dong Chong Hmong

ASK ULTROS

Dear Ultros,
Yesterday three strangers burst into my house with huge weapons and discussed current events with me. But today I noticed my prize Elixer I keep in the clock is gone, and I think they may have taken it. How should I go about getting it back? My wife says I should just yell at them next time they come in, but I think more tact is called for. What should I do?
-Angry in Mobliz

Dear Angry,
Yeeeooouuch! Seafood Soup! Muscleheads? I hate 'em! Delicious morsel! Let me get my bib!

Dear Ultros,
I'm a normal, straight married man. But a few days ago I fell asleep and a bum snuck into my house and blew me and I really liked it! What do I do?!
-Not Sure in Warjilis Trade City

Dear Not Sure,
Silence! You're in the presence of Octopus Royalty! Look at me! I'm a receptionist! G'fa ha ha!

Dear Ultros,
Is this Y2K thing for real? I'm thinking about buying a shotgun and killing my neighbors when it hits 2000 and saying Jesus made me do it. Should I wait or do it now?
-Itching to Shoot

Dear Itching,
Let's see if Maria can shake THIS off! N'ghaaa! This is heavier than I thought! It'll take a whole 5 minutes to drop it!

Dear Ultros,
Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? Also, was that alien Santa Claus? Please post my question!!!
-Domestic Dispute in South Figaro

Dear Domestic Dispute,
I ain't no... garden-variety octopus! I owe you one, so I'm going to jam up your opera! What an unlucky day! Adios!

- Ultros

ASK BARRET

Dear Barret,
Recently while cleaning my teenage son's room, I found birth controll pills! What does this mean? Did he get a sex change while I wasn't looking?
-Frightened in Wutai

Dear Frightend,
Shit, foo! Shit!! Foo shit shit foo foo!!!! Get your spikey white ass over here!

Dear Barret,
Last week a falling block of masonry fell on my head and killed me.
Should I get unholy revenge?
-Thinking it Over in Hell

Dear Thinking it Over,
There ain't no gettin' off this train we're on! Foo!

- Barret
20388 until next level

ASK CRONO

Dear Crono,
I can't sleep when my hair is purple. I know it sounds odd, but I just can't, and frankly, my daily adventures are getting a little less pleasent since I'm so messed up from lack of sleep. What do you suggest?
-Annoyed in Tycoon Castle

Dear Annoyed,

- Crono

ASK YUFFIE

Dear Yuffie,
Is there any getting off this train we're on, foo?
-On a Train in Wutai

Dear On a Train,
I'll let you guys keep me around a little longer. Maybe I can get some more materia! Got any materia I can borrow?

- Yuffie, Materia Hunter Extraordinaire

ASK LOCKE

Dear Locke,
What's it like being a theif? How do you pack for that? Do you wear clean underwear? If so, can I have it?
-Waiting in Miranda

Dear Waiting,
Call me a Treasure Hunter or I'll rip your lungs out!!!

- Locke, Treasure Hunter Extraordinaire

ASK ZIGFRIED

Dear Ziegfried,
Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
-Mystified in Doma

Dear Mystified,
Go! Guys!!

Dear Siegfried,
Are hot dogs good for you? Or what? I know this guy who eats them all the time, and he seems fine, except he has crap all over his face, he acts like a freak and he looks like Marilyn Manson. I don't want to turn into him, but I like hot dogs. Are they safe to eat?
-Not Naming Names in Balamb Garden

Dear Not Naming Names,
I'm the greatest swordsman in all the world! You guys wait here while I clear out this dungeon!

- Ziegfried, greatest swordsman in the world!

ASK FARIS

Dear Faris,
Why do you cross-dress all the time? What kind of freak are you? Don't you have better things to do, like plunder, ect? Just what kind of horrible pirate ARE you?
-Laughing in Gaia

Dear Laughing,
Darrrrr, matey! I'll make ye walk the plank, ye scurvy land-lubber!

Dear Faris,
Recently my husband broke the 5 key on my keyboard. He thinks we should just buy a new one, but I think that he should commit ritual suicide. We decided to let you settle the qeustion, so - new board or suicide?
-Eagerly Waiting in Murond

Dear Eagerly Waiting,
Arrrrrr! Ye trying to leave me behind, dog? I'll run ye through next time ye tries a trick like that!

- Arrrrr, 'tis Faris, matey!

ASK SUMMONER ON A BAR JOB

Dear Summoner on a Bar Job:
Help! Last week I met a great guy. he's smart, funny, and attractive.
The problem is he's my long lost brother! What should I do?
-Confused in Gariland

Dear Confused,

We left Goland Coal City, and looked for rumors of burried treasure! I got a good feeling! We did our very best, as a result, we were able to escavate it! This is the way! Call us back?

- Alita
205 JP
2000 GP
Treasure - Damascus Blade

ASK INTERCEPTOR

Dear Interceptor,
What do you eat? Besides people? Is it some brand of dog food, or dried meat?
-Curious in Elfland

Dear Curious,
Woof. Woof bark bark woof.

- Interceptor

ASK QUEEN ZEAL

Dear Queen Zeal,
What do you look like under that dress? Are you hot? I bet my freind here Jim-Bob $10 worth of JD's that you are. So, are you hot er what?
-Drooling Moron in the Southwest

Dear Drooling,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Dear Queen Zeal,
Recently my beloved dog passed away. I want to bury him in a pet cemetary, but my wife says he'll just come back to life in a bad movie every couple of years. What should I do?
-Pondering in Narshe

Dear Pondering,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

- Queen Zeal
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

ASK THE OLD MAN FROM ZELDA

Dear old guy from Zelda,
What's the deal with spoons these days? Why don't they make those spoons with slots in them? I like those spoons with slots. I always have and always will, despite what the aliens tell me when they beam thoughts into my brain because I'm not wearing my tinfoil helmet.

-Perplexed in Bush #2

Dear Perplexed,
Dodongo dislikes smoke.

Dear old guy from Zelda,
Evk smash?
-Ugh? in Balamb

Dear Ugh?,
Let's play money making game!

- Spectacle Rock is an entrance to death

Back to the index

Written by Evk and WrexSoul posted on 12-17-99.
This article is ©2000 Nick Hammer.
evk@salamdno.net, wrexsoul@salamando.net