Now the game has been played, but crafting the actual review - that shining perfect diamond - is a very difficult process, as writing the review can take anywhere from six to ten minutes of sitting at a computer and typing. To prepare for this strenous period of hitting keys on a keyboard, Evk takes several days to beat it and whine about how far away his girlfreind lives and argue with various people about subjects of no consequence and watch women's wrestling and generally waste his life away because soon - before he knows it - he'll be dead and what will he have to show for it? Nothing, that's what. Nothing at all.

After several hours of prodding and goading by WrexSoul, Evk sits down and writes the actual review. He requires total silence so that he may craft the wonderful gems we have all come to know and love from this modern luminary, such as "This game sucks" and "Fuck you, okay? Seriously. Fuck you." To give you an idea of how a typical review looks at this point, here is the actual unedited raw text of a never-posted Gaijin Chikan Densetsu review:

"So this game is about being a pervert, which is okay with me because I like boobs. A lot. Like, I like them so much that, uh, I had a really killer joke here, but I wrote it on a napkin while I was at work and my idiot bitch mom did a load of laundry with it in the pocket and now it's all fucked up and looks like it says 'OO FOO COFF BLURD' which isn't really a joke. Okay? Shut up. Shut UP! NO! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! "So what was I talking about here? Right, Gaijin Chikan Densetsu. So you play this guy, right? And you meet these women with really big honkers. Like basketball size. It's like, you want to ask "Can I play basketball with those?" Get it? Because they're... look, I know that sucked, but this is hard, okay? I got a C- in English because I was still going out with my crazy ex-girlfreind and she made me keep skipping class, and instead of doing something fun, we'd end up driving around Albany like a pair of dipshits for an hour because if we went to my house my dad would know we skipped and if we went to her house her idiot fucking dog who's always howling and peeing all over the floor would be there and I can't stand that idiot runt. They should make a game where the entire objective is to have the biggests breats in the world. When they're so big that you can't walk you win! It'll be the next EverQuest! I'll be rich because I can make the world's next great hit in my basement with my idiot pothead freinds! Dude! Let's have, like, short guys who like, mine stuff out of a mountain!! "So where was I? Right, the game. So like after you meet these chicks, they ask you to do this stuff which I didn't understand because it isn't in English. I wish I knew Japanese so I could play games like this and also so I wouldn't feel like mister ignorant ignormous, or, as we say in Latin, a dorkus malorkus. The proper reponse to that is "Wait a minute - That's not LATIN! MOMMMMM!! Bart's fakin' it!" okay? So say that, okay? ... Come on. You can't even do that? You know what? You're fired. No. Get out of here. I'm serious. You're very fired. Clear out your desk by 3:00 or I'll piss in your cheerios. My mom eats those a lot. She also ruins napkins with my fucking killer jokes on them so I'm reduced to very sad basketball jokes in paragraph two up there. How about I take that joke and ram it right up your fucking fat nose? Would you like that? Would you? Yeah. Don't lie. I see right through you. Mister invisble man. Shouldn't you be in the women's locker room or something? Yeah, that's a gender specific joke, but I have the feeling the only two chicks who'll actually read this is my girlfreind, my ex-girlfreind - the heavy one, not the magical unicorn princess - and YOUR MOM! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ohhhh man. That gets funnier every time I say it."

Can't you feel the mastery of English and the magical weaving of seamless jokes in there? Not just every fucking loser with a computer can make reviews like this.

Here the screenshots taken must be provided with captions. Because, of course, you can't just have a screenshot without some comment like "SO'S YOUR MOM" or the always-classic "I couldn't think of a caption, but look at that lady's boobs! How can you say no to that?! Do you have a cold?!" This is perhaps the most strenous step in the entire review process, as it can take anywhere up to three minutes to come up with the various captions. Less time if the main pull is breasts.

So check it! This chick is like uh, a waitress. And she has boobs! 'Cause she's a chick!

Written by Evk and WrexSoul and was posted on 4-29-01.
This feature is ©2000 Nick Hammer and his cat.
evk_d@hotmail.com, you communists.