A Letter From the Editor:
Dear Readers of Salamando's Stove:
I would like to personally apologize to our reader base that they had not recieved their July issue of Salamando's Stove until now. Alow me to personally explain how this disturbing anomole occured.
Four months ago, I was sitting around in my house and then I realized that things would be much better if I was going at the speed of light. Plus I wanted to see if when I got to light speed time would stop for me and I would be forever streaking across the universe and hit something, no matter how small, and died because at that speed even something tiny, like your stupid shrivled genitals, would hit really hard. Like as hard as, uh, uh, as, uh... sorry. I can't make this work. I just can't lower myself to this level anymore. I can't take any more stupid HBLAHBALBHM GENTIALS/BATHROOM jokes. HO HO LOOK! I SAID 'PENIS'! THIS IS THE BEST MAILINGLIST EVER!!! LET'S ALL GET PULITZERS NOW! I WILL TAKE MINE IN THIS BATHROOM STALL! GET IT? I LIVE IN THE BATHROOM!!! I AM FUNNIER THAN ROSIE!!! AND ONLY A LITTLE FATTER! LOVE ME AMERICA
Now, allow me to go on a tangent for a bit to comment on recent games. If I ever make a videogame the first thing I'm going to do is give it a name like THE TERRIBLE CRAPTACULAR GOOP EXPLOSION MIRACLE BONUS KICK. I'm tired of stupid boring games with stupid boring names like, for example, Legend of fucking anything. I'd also make sure that if someone ever made a sequel it would have something to do with the origional game. Or better yet, make a sequel called THE TERRIBLE CRAPTACULAR GOOP EXPLOSIN MIRACLE BONUS KICK: SECOND DANCE REVOLUTION FINAL. And then I'd make it so that all the characters in the game wore those helmets the Germans wore in World War I and the object would be to stab everyone else to death with your helmet before the timer ran out and Lavos ate you.
Sure, this might sound stupid to you, but if a piece of shit like Vagrant Story can be a success, why not "THE TERRIBLE CRAPTACULAR GOOP EXPLOSION MIRACLE BONUS KICK" and "THE TERRIBLE CRAPTACULAR GOOP EXPLOSIN MIRACLE BONUS KICK: SECOND DANCE REVOLUTION FINAL"? The answer is that a game company won't make my game, and I'm not going to go out and round up three of my freinds and go DUDE!!*%!@* I'M GOING TO MAKE THE NEXTE EVERQUEST AND BE FAMOUS!*%@#* AND JOHN ROMERO WILL B ALL LIKE YOU'RE COOLER THAN ME!@*!~!!!.
If I ever get a guardian spirit to follow me around, I want it to be the loveable head of John Romero. He can even give me advice ("I'm John Romero") and timeless wisdom ("Actually, I'm just the head of John Romero"). Hey hey! YOU KNOW IT BABY! But you know what? I don't get guarian spirits following me around, powering up and shouting SLICE!! and sitting on my shoulder with those cute little asses. But at least my beautiful Norwegian sex-slave looks like John Romero, and really isn't that close enough? It's like so many Penny Arcade or Jeff K comics it isn't funny.
Which reminds me, have you noticed how many SHITTY web comics there are? I think there was a horrible curse placed on the internet by some worthless computer geek who wanted to be a cartoonist that got eaten up by his daisy-wheel printer and decided he would spend his entire afterlife devoted to making everyone online comic become unbearably lame after not but 6 months. Not only that, but a great deal of them are never funny at all in the first place for a simple reason: THEY DON'T MAKE JOKES. I don't know about you, but I find that I don't laugh at comics when they don't have jokes in them. Or even worse, boring predictable jokes. Or even WORSE, japanese lesbians who serve no purpose but to scream LOOK EVERYONE!! ARNEN'T I FUCKING COOL? ISN'T THIS THE -CUTTING EDGE- OF HUMOR??? WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST LICK MY ASS NOW?
And people do, and if you think otherwise you're a fucking idiot. Which brings me to the next point: The only thing worse than most internet comics updated daily with (or without) jokes that wouldn't be funny while drunk and hopped up on helium are people who insist that every fucking comic to get crapped out by some lamer who makes linux jokes are the "TGRATEST MOSTED FUNNI COMI XSINCE SLURGGY FREALNCE>!1" or "DUDE!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?? IT CALLED IT 'MICRO$OFT'!!!! ISN'T THAT THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?!?!" What I'd really like to say to you all:
Eternal Breath.
Think about it.
And you know what the problem with NASA is? They don't put arms on their spaceships. I mean, what are spaceships without arms? Pathetic, that's what. Also their frozen "space ice cream" only comes in straberry, chocolate, and vanilla. Where are the premium flavors? Like squid? Also where's the button just for dancing? I demand answers.
I'm not in a random or funny mood now SO SOLLY.
Sincerely
- Editor of Salamando's Stove
Written by Wrexsoul and Evk and posted on 05-04-00.