Wow, the commercials were right! I really DO feel like an army of one!

So one day I was searching around for totally random ROMs and I got very lucky and found this little thing. Never thought there were any Lemmings rip-offs, did you? Well, maybe you did. But I bet you never thought that there might be a medieval version of Lemmings where people kill each other, did you!! No, I bet you didn’t!! You damn well better have not because I thought of writing this review first and I swear to fucking god if you even—wait, no, I’ll be fine. Give me a few moments.

…

At any rate; well, there is one such game. And now you have to suffer its wrath.

So apparently the whole game is just comprised of Practice sessions and you never actually get to any real battles because the programmers just kind of forgot that you’re actually supposed to be fighting an invading army or something. Or maybe they didn’t forget and I was just too lazy to keep playing. But I mean really, six practice stages is a bit much, don’t you think?

Even so, the game proves to be endlessly entertaining! You have lots of little knights and archers and little men with shields and men with bombs and you make them run forward and kill things and die. What could be a better way to spend time then annihilating Lemming-wannabes?

Evk X Damascus continues his presidential campaign.

There’s not really much to explain. You walk around as the king person or whoever (you can’t really tell who he is since he’s basically comprised of 4 pixels) and you summon your soldiers which mystically all walk out of a single tent (see above picture) in an endless stream of ready meat to be slaughtered and have their juicy flesh devoured by the hunters of the night.

What confuses me, though, is the fact that the whole game as I’ve played it is just one big practice session, and yet you run your army at another group, presumably your army since it’s a practice, and slaughter everyone. By that standard, you’d be blowing up your own castles and your own barns and your own gates, and pillaging your own villages, and razing your own homesteads, and raping your own women, and impaling your own children, and

*gobbles down sedatives*

Whew.

There’s only one thread of music in the entire game. It’s kind of good, I guess, but it really gets on your nerves after a while.

I just wish builders didn’t die so quickly. It’s fun to make things explode.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to arson we go…

Oh! And there are mages! That’s a cool part right there. They have black mages and white mages. IT MUST BE A FIANL FANTASY REPFOFF SQURE HSOULD SU AND

*gobbles down sedatives*

I don’t know if I can take much more of this. I’d better stop while I’m at least minimally ahead.

…

Mmmmph. There’s not really much else to say anyway. So, instead, I’ll show you my attempt to be a pic-hacker like WrexSoul as a reward for slogging through this mediocre game.

Mmm. That’s quality stuff, right there.

-Jacobo the Curious

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