All you need to see is this, and you already know it’s going to hurt.

Wow. Ganbare Goemon 4. What can you say about such an… interesting game.

Quite a few things, as you will quickly find, my pretties.

…

So basically you’re this samurai guy with blue hair and a golden bong that you hit people with and you and this old guy with blue hair with a red ribbon along with your little robot dwarf and green hair ass-kicking samurai girl friend run around killing people and you have money which you can buy things with and throw at people and there are actual towns and the soldiers attack you if you attack the citizens which is fun to do and

*pants*

Maybe “basically” was the wrong word to use. Because there seems to be nothing at all basic about this game. The town interface reminds me of Secret of Mana with its semi-3D graphics, the levels and world map remind me of Super Mario World, and the characters… are very original.

And there are whorehouses.

I just thought that sentence deserved a paragraph all its own.

Not only are there voices in the game, but there is very cool music, in my opinion. It’s all dorky, to be sure, but then again, that’s why I’m attracted to it. BECAUSE OPPOSITES ATTRACT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHKF GET IT I SAID I WASN’T A DORK WITH A DORKY JOKE HAHAHAHANKSALFNSDF

*gobbles down sedatives*

…

So there’s the pot-smoking samurai. He has a golden bong that he hits people with. He’s a nice guy, I’m sure, once you get to know him.

It’s a bong, I tell you, it’s a fucking bong.

Grrrf. And then there’s the old guy with the ribbon. There’s not much you can say about him. He skips instead of walking. I’d guess he was the pot-smoking samurai’s father, but somehow I doubt the old guy likes ladies.

I’m guessing those two lumps are where he was dropped on his head as a child.

And then there’s the robotic dwarf guy with two knives who’s just plain weird and who I didn’t think deserved a screenshot. Yeah! That’s right! No screenshot for you, bitch! YEAH! WHAT, YOU WANT SOMMA THIS? BRING IT ON! I’LL SHOW YOU WHO GETS TO

*gobbles down sedatives*

…

So, the final character is the girl who looks like Evk. And she’s stolen WrexSoul’s bokken.

BOKKEN!

Yes, friends, the beauty of Ganbare Goemon 4. I guess there’s like a storyline and a plot or something, and apparently there are quests you can do for people in houses, but I wouldn’t know cuz I don’t know anything about Japanese. There are also minigames you can play in the options menu, but I don’t know anything about that either. And apparently there’s a giant robot too. But then again, there always is, isn’t there?

I assume there are also other weapons you can acquire, since it’s possible to cycle through weapons (though I only have found the Primary Weapon and Throw Coin abilities so far), but I really wouldn’t know.

I just want to figure out how much money I need to pay the lady at the whorehouse.

I’d probably have more to say about the game if I had beaten any of the levels that weren’t towns, but I haven’t, so instead I have a hacked “photo” of Evk, WrexSoul, and me for your enjoyment.

WrexSoul, Evk, and me in the North Country near Salamando’s Stove HQ.

Hahahaha! This just proves how obsessed I am. This is my second review today! Fear, mortals, fear! My coming is near! HAHAAHA THAT RIEMES HAHAKSKDLFJ

*gobbles down sedatives*

…

eerrrk

…

-Jacobo the Curious

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