Skipping requiste Roll jokes.

Okay, since I think that lying is wrong, I will be up-front with you and admit that this review is, really, just an excuse to show you this:

Isn't that great? It's Mega Man... and... a hippo! A half-awake hippo. A sublime masterpiece. But since that by itself isn't a review, I guess I should talk about the game or something.

Okay. Lemme see. Mega Man Four. Uhhh. I know. This is the first game where you can charge your Mega Buster. This game is also just like every other Mega Man game. Run, jump, shoot, blah blah blah. There was another great picture, but since I already used it in my Xenogears review, I won't put it here too. What else? You also have the incredibly useless slide in this game. You get it in Mega Man III, but since I don't have a hilarious picture for that, I will probably never review it, so let me whine about the slide for a minute. The slide sucks.

I'm going to try out something new here. I could make some predictable joke like "The slide is as useful as pictures of Judge Judy naked" that would amuse you for a small time, but then I'd have to go back to padding this review. So instead, I'm going to give you all my good analogies right here. People with weak bladders or any small measure of taste should probably leave the room now. Or just turn your monitor off or something. Actually don't. It would be pretty funny if you peed yourself or had a heart attack and sued us or something. I bet we'd get a Slashdot link if that happened. Ahem, anyway:

• The slide is as useful as a wacky sidekick.
• The slide is as useful as those little pull-tabs on metal containers that always always break off.
• The slide is as useful as village elders who kick you out of their town. Since I have to make at least one predictable video game joke.
• The slide is as useful as faulty piping, which means that whenever somebody does the wash, horrible dirty water will flow out of your cabinets right into the pot where you're making ramen and from there all over you and your socks and get you filthy.
• The slide is as useful as 'jackable britney porn'.
• The slide is as useful as people who quote Yoda but always say, "No, try not! Do- or do not, there is no try," then smirk at you like little smug fucks and make you want to punch thier fat, stupid heads.
• The slide is as useful as Saturn IV rockets. Curse you, Saturn IV.
• The slide is as useful as Dan.
• The slide is as useful as people on Napster who disconnect when you're 90% done getting a song from them.
• The slide is as useful as people who tape little comics on your monitor.
• The slide is as useful as leeches.
• The slide is as useful as building levels in Lunar.
• The slide is as useful as the ability to lie on bed of nails. Oh boy. Look at me. I'm lying down. Not just anybody can do that.
• The slide is as useful as vesticular cancer.
• The slide is as useful as Glorious Rags of the Fox.
• The slide is as useful as tears of the planet.
• The slide is as useful as hearts of the people.

The slide really sucks.

Okay. I think it's long enough. Before you go, I leave you with, again, the masterpiece:

Classic.

Actually, I feel like I should apologize for the tears of the planet, hearts of the people joke. I doubt anybody will get that. Just remember something amusing someone has told you over the course of your life and pretend I said that.

Since I don't want to end it on a bad note, let's see the picture again.

That's the stuff.

Back to the index

Written by Evk and posted on 07-21-00.
This article is ©2000 Nick Hammer.
evk_d@hotmail.com