2. WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR SOURCES, VESTALMAN?
These are things Vestalman said that just sound dumb, but can't really be proven wrong. Too bad for him they can't be proven right either so let's start a dance wheel revolution. The first one of these is a good example and should let you know what crap you're in for.
| "The turn-based battles... are as frequently imitated as Mario's running and jumping antics." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
| Dragon Warrior 1 had turn-based battles. So wouldn't, technically, every game after it be stealing that idea, under your logic? Also, what about Ultima? Dungeons and Dragons? Y'know, turn-based battles have been around since paper-and-pencil games. And as for the frequently imitated thing - Oh yeah, Mario sure invented running and jumping. You know there was no such thing as running and jumping before Mario came along and said "I'm a fat plumber! And I can run and jump!" Yep... Mario sure coined running and jumping. Espically in video games. Someone was like "I know! We'll create a video game with gravity! So that he can both run AND jump!" Do you notice the VERY VERY small amount of SARCASM here folks? Tell me I didn't stuff my balls into this hot dog outfit for nothing! |
Pictured above is Pitfall, a game that obviously stole its "running and jumping antics" from Super Mario Brothers.
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Great. Okay let's hear more about Final Fantasy 1!
| "...Many gamers were confused by this concept of the "2,000 Year Time-Loop." Most doubt that the game designers themselves ever understood it, either." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
It's very simple:
It's a loop in time.
A moebius...
...where time becomes a loop.
Stupidly obscure jokes aside, how did the designers write it if they don't understand it? Did they just get drunk one night and accidentally write this section of the game? I like how he puts these words in "most" gamers' mouthes. Can you name one person - besides yourself and the functionally illiterate, of whose ranks I'm beginning to think you belong - who didn't understand this? I understood it and I was eight. But let's continue now.
| "... But soon a much greater threat is discovered. Four Fiends, each an incarnate form of the elements, are behind the Earth's decay..." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN?!
| A greater threat than WHAT? The big BADASS Garland? Here it is indicated that it takes time before you find out that the Four Fiends are behind it. It tells you in the !*#$^!*$^ instruction manual that the Fiends are to blame. Wuh? I don't know. I also don't know why everyone kisses Vestalman's butt, but that's a different story. Let's move on to FFIV before I get my frilly panties in a knot.
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Here is Garland, who is thought to be the true source of evil until it is revealed that the Four Fiends are behind it all.
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| "Here the ancient power of the Lunarians guides them deep within the Lunar Core to fight an evil as old as time: Zemus." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
Zemus/Zeromus is in fact not as 'old as time', but just old. As old as the rest of the lunarians, which is not as old as time. No, really - go back and play the end again. The only thing that is as old as time is the "hatred in men's souls". But I mean why mention it at all? Did you think "How about 'Evil old as time?' Wow, that sounds L33T!"
| "The Biggest Secret: The US version of Final Fantasy IV is not the same as the Japanese version. Many items, areas, and even character skills were removed from the US version to make it "easier" for US gamers. Needless to say, many American gamers were upset by this "dumbing down" of their favorite RPG" |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN?!
Fact 1:
US Version is not dumbed down. There were two versions of the Japanese FFIV, easytype and hardtype, and ours is the translated easytype version. Japanese players could buy either version; It was not dumbed down just for Americans. Good lord, man, don't you do ANY research?
Fact 2:
How is the "biggest secret" if "many" gamers are upset about it? Boy, some secret. I know people who would commit seppuku if they didn't know that. Good thing you don't work for the CIA. Let's fuck up FFVI already!
| "Setzer Gabianni is the world's greatest gambler and sole proprietor of the world's single airship" |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
| What about the Falcon, you dumbass? Daril's airship you get after Setzer's gets cut in half? Remember? It's white and ugly? He may be the only one in the world that owns an airship but you didn't say that, did you, you ass-clown?
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Can we COUNT Vestalman? If there are TWO airships, he can't own the ONLY one, can he?
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| "Final Fantasy VI offers the "Relic System," letting each player equip themselves with two accessories." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN?!
This system was introduced with Final Fantasy V. Did you really play these games, or what?
Oh, EXCUSE ME- they started CALLING them "Relics" in VI. Hooo boy! In V they're "accessories". And you only got one of them. Shock! ~ Failure. Also now on to FF7.
| "Cloud Strife is a hero without a past." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
He has a past... he was a lame ass soilder, he stole Zack's idenity, he joined AVALANCHE. Sounds like a past to me. Just because he pretends he can't remember dosn't mean he dosn't have one. Hell he even CLAIMED to remember one, and he had one that really happened on top of that!
| "His near-Oedipal fixation with his mother, J-E-N-O-V-A..." |
What?
That means he wants to fuck his mom and kills his dad.
Where do you get THAT from?
WHERE?
Don't use $5 words unless you have a $5 vocabulary, dipshit.
| "[Knights of the Round, a] mind-blowingly powerful summon spell can kill even the final boss in a single blow!" |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
I personally used Knights of the Round on the last guy. It didn't kill him. Did you even try this, or are you just making shit up? (Guess.)
| "Final Fantasy VII integrates the FMV scenes directly into the gameplay, creating a nonstop visual feast for the player." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
| WHAT? I mean, really, what the hell are you talking about? When AREN'T FMV scenes integrated into the gameplay? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! And a 'nonstop visual feast'?! I'd hardly say that walking around Sector 6 is "non stop" FMV or a "visual feast" considering you do that for at least half an hour. Or the overworld! Or that stupid lost in snow part! There were maybe a couple dozen disappointingly short FMVs in that WHOLE GAME and they were so spread apart that it was disorienting whenever one actually did happen.
Did he even play this game? Maybe not, but he's still fucking talking about it.
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Nothing like the "Nonstop visual feast" of watching all 30 polygons of Cloud's spikey ass being zoomed into your face.
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| "Never before has anyone put so much money and effort into a single project." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
What about the Pyramids?
The Manhatten Project?
The Apollo Program?
Don't you mean a single game, Vestalman?
But even so, what about Zelda 64? Or any of those Working Designs titles that take approximitly 40 years to be finished? Do you feel you can make this shit up?
(NOTE TO EXTREMLY STUPID PEOPLE OR PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO WRITE ME EMAIL WITH A SUBJECT LIKE "HEY ASSBREAD" AND LIST ALL THE ERRORS THEY THINK I MADE BECAUSE THEY'RE FOAMING VESTLALMAN ZEALOTS: 40 YEARS IS COMIC EXAGGERATION. IN REALITY IT JUST FELT THAT LONG. THANK YOU, AND PLEASE PROCEED TO RAM A BOKKEN UP YOUR ASS)
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The SETI program was barely beat out as one of the most expensive human endeavors by the creation of the blockbuster Squaresoft game, Final Fantasy VII!
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Whatever, let's hear Vestalman proceeded to butcher Final Fantasy Tactics.
| "...and by the end of the game the player is no doubt confused. Has the player truly "won", or simply completed the game?" |
You won.
You killed Altima.
You stopped St. Ajora's ressureciton and saved humanity.
You see yourself alive on a chocobo.
You may have never been heard from again, but don't you admit that's because he's avoiding the church? We wouldn't want to get killed after we saved the world, now would we?
That's winning, Vestalman.
Just because you're confused dosn't mean everyone else is a moron.
And then, even though it isn't really a Final Fantasy game, Vestalman goes on about Final Fantasy Adventure / Seiken Densetsu 1.
| "[Final Fantasy Adventure,] an action RPG, the focus is on traveling the world and dispatching your foes with a variety of weapons and spells." |
WHAT YOU SAY, VESTALMAN!?
Yeah, that's what they based the game on ... walking and killing. That's the main selling point. "You're a hero! Go kill stuff now! Oh, no particular reason!" Hoo boy, this is much L33Ter than Cave Quest!
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