3. DID YOU EVEN PLAY THIS GAME, VESTALMAN?!

Vestalman may have written things badly up to this point, but of course his review was also ripe full of things that are blantantly wrong. Usually due to lack of research or him just spouting off to sound educated. There is a disappointing amount of stuff here, considering how a simple proofread could've saved us all so much grief. But some of it- shit, did he even PLAY these games he's somehow now a "difinitive expert" on? I have had bowel movements more accurate than this! So join me in a big chorus as we ask "What you say, Vestalman?!"

Dragon Warrior? What's that? Ultima? Who? Dungeon? You're confusing the fact that Final Fantasy POPULARIZED it. Of course on that note, don't forget Dragon Warrior was first. AND it's insanely popular in Japan, becomming a cultural icon etc. I mean, In his own review he wrote: "Hironobu Sakaguchi had an idea: why not create a game similar to competitor Enix's Dragon Quest?" So like mentioned above, everything is coming off of Dragon Quest. That makes this statement wrong on both accounts, which makes me wonder why he said it. Especially since it's something that most people knew/thought anyway. Then he goes on to say:

Boy, the Dragon Quest guys must have been psychic because they ripped off of something not invented yet!

....did you mean OVERstated?
I mean, how can you let an error this base, this glaringly obvious, get by? Were you not paying attention when you wrote this? Were you lamenting the fact that you managed to create one nice site in your entire life that promptly went lame while you weren't paying attention? Did you proofread this at all? I'm amazed. I'm really amazed.

And, just to drive this point home, here's a statement of his about FF2j:

The final boss of FF2j is listed in a FF2j plot explination I have as: "After many teleportations, traveling, monsterslaying, the four valiant warriors finally stand in front of the Emperor from Hell. Remembering all their friends who have suffered beneath the terror of the Empire, and their families, brutally killed by his soldiers, the four attack the Emperor with all their might. The Emperor defends himself with ghastly spells like Meteo and Curse, but in the face of justice, helped with a bit Masamune, some White Holy, and Guy with a Rune Axe, he finally meets his ultimate End, and disintegrates into dust." Do we see anything about a Dark Cloud here? No, we do not. In fact, the Dark Cloud is from 3j.

You know, until Vestalman set me straight, I thought this was the Emperor they were fighting.

Are we to belive FF2j and FF3j both have as last bossess some sort of evil cloud? When was the last boss EVER the same? Answer: Never. Chaos, The Emperor, Dark Cloud, Zeromous, nope never the same. Dumbass. For the record, KuZap's fine FF3j faq lists the final boss as: *********************************** Final Battle: The Cloud of Darkness *********************************** I'd think the fact that you found that 3j's is the Dark Cloud might tip you off that 2j's WASN'T, but... apparently not. Vestalman dosn't need to waste his time with facts or research. Continuing with that trend, he starts talking out of his ass again about the FF4 'dummying.' Really I only see one 'dummy.' Was that joke too predictable?

This is really the same guy. Because, you know, all the Final Fantasy games take place in the same world and have continuous storylines.

Edward always has Hide! How could you miss this? Did you even play this game? I mean, seriously, think about it - he THOUGHT YOU HAD TO USE A GAME GEINE TO UNLOCK HIDE. AND THIS GUY IS DOING A HISTORY OF FINAL FANTASY?! And what is it about his ruining your battle plans?! "Man, that battle was mine until Edward attacked the enemy!! Then it was all over! If only I could make him hide somehow!" I mean, you can just have him Defend. Not only that, but if he gets below a certain number of HP, he AUTOMATICALLY hides, making him essentially useless. SEESH. WHAT A MORON. And what, the only differences between the US and Japanese version can be unlocked with a Game Genie!? What fucked up childhood did you have?! ARGH, moving on to FFV....

What!? All I really want to know is what Vestalman was THINKING!? Did he even PLAY this game?!

It might just be the shitty translation I played through with Final Fantasy Anthology, but I never saw Lenna as "rebellious" or wondering "what life is like outside the castle". It always looked to me like she went out because she was worried about her dad. Not exactly living "in his shadow" as she was going out to save his ass all the time. Seriously, did you ever play this game at all? Or did you just stare at the Japanese text and GUESS what was going on?

As if that wasn't enough to convince you that he hasn't played Final Fantasy V:

I have never seen Gilgamesh have a sidekick.
I did not see it in Anthologies. WrexSoul did not see it in the translated ROM. Nobody else I know has ever heard of Gilgamesh having a sidekick.
This one just puzzles me.
Vestalman, what makes you think that you can say anything about this game when you've never played it?

Moving on to FFVII, a game he arguably played-

Black goes over mountain and river. Green and blue can go over one, but not the other (Blue is river). Dumbass. I'm so glad you spent so much time on research. This is, perhaps, a simple error, but I think it illustrates nicely the entire shoddy character of this worthless treatise.

The Final Fantasy 7 OSV has exacly 86 songs. Not "over 100". Dumbass. The worst part is this is an easily checkable fact. It took me about 20 seconds.

And as for the plot, it was not nearly as complex as say, Xenogears. And I thought FFVI had the most COMPLEX AND MATURE PLOT with all that suicide and death and angst? Do you just like saying "mature?" Yeah, Barret saying @*#( all the time and Tifa's hefty jugs bouncing in tasteless CG is sure a REALLY "mature" way to go, assbreath.

FLOATING?! ......FLOATING?!!? I mean... .......FLOATING?!!?!?!? I am at a loss for words. How can anybody who played this game make this mistake? I am beyond shock. FLOATING? What the FUCK?

Well, this looks rather stationary to me. I mean, I don't have a PhD in floating, but a quick look tells me that this ain't floating.

First:
It says IN THE GAME that he's about 40. On top of that, that's supposed to be equivalent to a teenager. That isn't quite ancient.

Second:
He's not the last ... we see his kids in the ending. What, do you think he can have kids without a mate? And even if he can, then his KIDS would be the last. If you see multiple ones, you're not the last of the spiecies.

And what IS his true biological origin? I always assumed he was just a lion-like thing. I never saw this being an important point in the game. Actually I never saw anything like this in the game at all, although I DID see his dad, so I would guess his origin would be that his mom and dad did it and he came out. Ho ho ho, teaching Vestalman the way of the birds and the bees.