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 Dancing Queen
Here in FF4 or FF2 as released in The US, we see much dancing. Girls dance on land. Girls dance on water. Girls dance in a chorus line (without the chorus). Girls jump on you and lap-dance (really weird, but alright....). Even a strange dwarf at a place called CAFE HOWDY dances his way straight into your mind for no reason except to show that he has four poses and want to show them off.

GIRL ON LAND: Hi! Want to see me dance? Yes?: Girl dances for a pointless 20 seconds making you wonder.... did I get some sort of benefit from that? Is this a KEY? Should I try to mimic her steps? No?: Oh, come on, watch me DANCE! --- Do I say yes? Have I made a crucial judgment error?

GIRL BY THE WATER: This girl really wants you to see her dance?..... All of them do. This particular girl jumps into the city water supply and then dances. HOW UNSANITARY! HOW RUDE!! HOW… sexy? Eh? Just what kind of RPG are we running here?!?!?

GIRL WHO IS REALLY A GUY WHO DANCES: She asks you if you want to see her dance. But what is this? She's a Fabul warrior! How did that happen?! Did she stuff her bra? ACHOOOOOO!!!! He sure does dance, but then he develops a complex about it. He keeps asking you if you think there is something odd about him. You don't get to respond, but there IS something weird about him.... its just that he has no point - much like all of the dancers… hrmmm.

GIRL THAT DANCES TO TURN YOU INTO A PIG AND BACK: Now, we are getting somewhere. This girl hates you so she seduces you with.... a dance. You fall asleep?... and wake up a pig as she goes flouncing off laughing. Weird? Well, it’s a sure-fire cure for being a pig already. Basically this is a dance that is a free pig spell on your guy. Problem is... none of those low-level monsters cast pig (I don't remember any monsters that do... but...). It’s also a cheap sort of entertainment to be turned into a pig and back again. I get a kick out of it... for about a minute.

GIRLS THAT LOOK LIKE DANCERS BUT ARE WARRIORS: These girls get upset when you just talk to them. They keep saying, "I'm not a dancer! I'm a WARRIOR dammit! And this isn't a leotard, it’s a UNIFORM!" And once again, you are left with saying.... “Umm.... yeah, sure”

DANCER’S DRESSING ROOMS: If you pay this guy a wad of GP, he’ll let you in on a secret place!!! Turns out this place is the DANCER’S DRESSING ROOM!!!! Yes! Alright! Umm, wait a minute…. The dancers are just Super Nintendo pixilated characters. Nevermind.

DANCING CALOBRENA: Hrmmm… what’s behind THIS DOOR! It appears to be the crystal room…. And there are all of these weird-ass dolls there. They attack you. They dance. ??????? Any questions?

DANCING DWARF: This is definitely the most amusing yet pointless part of the entire game. You walk right between two vendors into the "Cafe HOWDY". You are thereby greeted by a dwarf that welcomes you to the cafe. "Let's Party! Let's Dance! Lali-Lali-Ho!" And he then subsequently goes into this dancing spiel, much like the others do, except he’s a DWARF. HAHAHAHA! A dancing DWARF! WHOO! Wait, what the HELL is this? Where are the treasure boxes? What is the point of this cafe? Why does this dwarf want to dance? UNG! I don't understand it! GWAAAHHH!

--- I was very confused by all of this until I met the dancing dwarf. Then I figured: Hell, if I was programming something, I'd probably have singing ovens in each town.. so why not a few dancers here and there, and to top it all off... we have a dancing dwarf ready to show you an extra section of the game that's only real purpose is to take up space. It seems as if there were meant to be something there, but it was either forgotten or considered unimportant to the game and was therefore left as is.

--- You TOO can learn the steps to the dancing dwarf. Practice it at home, and teach your friends the new dance craze for dwarves everywhere!

First, you need an unwilling partner to just stand there stupidly and watch you.

1. Spin. Up. Spin. Down. Spin. Right. Spin. Left. Spin.

Simple enough? Now it gets hard.

2. Right. Spin. Down. Spin. Down. Spin. Left. Spin. Left. Spin. Up. Spin.

Now you've essentially looped around the person you're dancing for. Tricky.

3. Jump right. Spin. Jump left. Spin.

Here you're jumping OVER the person you dance for.

4. Push him to the right. Spin.

This is more of a butt-bump. You have to knock him one square over though.

5. Left. Spin. Up. Spin. Right. Spin. Spin.

This puts you in your original location.

6. Shout "Lali-lali ho!"

It's important. Don't forget.

Need help? Follow this helpful handy video. Then dance, Dance, DANCE your way into people's hearts.

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Written by Meklor and posted on 02-08-00.
This article is ©2000 Will Keller.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' ©1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.