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 Interview With the Summoners
Hello and welcome! I'm WrexSoul, from Salamando's Stove. A while back, we had a contest inteviewing several different candidates who could become Salamando' Stove's official Q&A guys. Well after weeks and weeks of greuling debate, we've decided at long last that the Summoners were the best, barely beating out Barret from FF7. Today, we invite Alita and Ironside the summoners. Join up!

Happy to be here.

Pleased to meet you.

Performing the interview will be Salamando's Stove's Evk.

Hi, pleased to be here!

Hope you enjoy the festivities! Now, on to the interview.

First, thank you for coming.

Oh, it's great to be here. Thanks for having us.

So what's it like being a summoner?

Well, people think it's all about standing around with your arms up and yelling in broken english - but it's so much more than that. I mean, working with the people is great, even if you end up killing most of them.

You know, there are a lot of things that have been bugging people for some time. Perhaps you could help answer some questions for us? For example, in Chapter 4, are those panties or a diaper Ramza is wearing?

Both. He's wearing panties underneath the diaper. Ramza's just kind of a pervert that way.

Not just that way! Don't forget that time when he-

I thought you said we wouldn't bring that up anymore!? Sorry about that.

No, it's quite okay. What kind of music do you like?

Well, anything but rap, opera, or accoustic zydeco speed metal. Or that crap Ramza sings. Sometimes he goes into a bar looking for 'bar jobs', and finally we have to go in after him, and we find him drunk and singing karaoke with some whore he picked up in town. But he's a great guy, really.

I'm sure he is. So tell me, then- in your honest opinion - Does Disco suck?

No way. The BeeGees rule! And ABBA. Seeeventeeeeen mmm mmm mmmnmmp mmm mm daaaancing queeeen

Another question that's been plauging our readers - what's with the horns on your foreheads?

What? Are you looking at our horns? YOU PERVERT!!!!

HAHAHAHA, just a little bit of summoner humor (nudge). Really, they serve as a mental focus for our complex and lengthy summoning incantations, allowing us to channel our spir-

Oh, drop the crap okay? We just like 'em, okay? I mean who wouldn't want a phallic headband? I thought so, case closed.

Erh, yeah. Well, something else that's been bugging me for a while - WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR NOSES? Are they a highly-sought aphrodisiac taken by poachers?

What? No! Look, it's a long story. I really don't want to get into it. Let's just say that when your parents tell you not to stick your head out the window, you had better listen.

You know..., I didn't want to mention it at first, but I've been suspecting you for a while. It was you, wasn't it? Did you put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?

......huh? Did you get clocked on the head recently?

HAHA how lively. How about getting some of your thoughts on the big political issues of the day. For example, what are your views on lamination?

Well I, for one, think that it's a good idea. Also, kids should stay in school! Winners don't use drugs! Salamando Radio for every free man!

Other hot topics! Do you prefer fondu in a bread shell or in a karate gi?

A bread shell, of course. What kind of idiot would eat fondu out of a karate gi? Have you ever tasted one? Espically a sweaty one?

Boing? No, really - Boing?

What!? I was serious when I asked if you'd been hit lately.

Quick, what's 30 x 6?

If you want to know that, why don't you go ask a Calculator! Do I look like some goddamn math weenie to you? No! I'm a summoner! SUMMONER!! A great magician! Not some math fag!

Ooh, hit a nerve, did I? Now tell us truthfully, what's it like working with a giant robot like Worker 8? Did he ever slap your ass?

Isn't that a little personal?! Well..., once he accidently hit me with Dispose. I would've hurt him back, but he has a faith of zero. Damn hethan.

That he is. Which reminds me, has Algus ever touched you in your "speical zones"?

What?! I don't feel comftorable where this interview is going. Let's change the subject okay?

How much do you charge for a bj?


Allright, that's it, you little jackoff! I'm going to take you down like I took down Balk!

Hey! Sit down!

Scorch with dragon flame! Bahamut!

Scatter frozen blades of air! Clops!


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Written by Evk and posted on 03-31-00.
This article is 2000 Nick Hammer.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.