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 On Trial - Megaman Weapons
So instead of beating around the bush, the point of this is to bitch about Megaman's weapons. Of course he's had 8 per game (plus or minus a couple) for 12 games so far. That makes it rather impossible to actually rate any of them in particular like you'd give a shit anyway. So instead I've done the best to compile them into warm and squishy groups for you to coddle like your very own. So, on with the madness!

Megaman Weapons

The Kind That Flies at a Stupid-ass Angle
Nobody likes this kind. They're just dumb, and they almost always have at least one. Whether they shoot diagonally or god forbid, straight up, they're a bitch-ass to aim and usually don't do justifiable damage. Megaman X4 had too many of these, like the Rising Flame and Twin Cyclone, and that's probably why I like playing Megaman in that game about as much as I like sitting through horrible buggy games waiting for patches. What makes you think I'm talking about Diablo II?
Verdict:   One stove


The Ones That Rotate Around You
I don't know why these were ever popular. They chafe my crotch and you know I hate that. When it comes to damaging enemies, they do next to nothing, are absolutely useless against any boss that isn't weak against it. They only block shots in about half the games, and you can't fire weapons when they're on, so enemies will still hurt you even with it on. Whose bright idea was this again?
Verdict:   One and a half stoves


The Kind That You Shoot Really Fast
Now we're talking. I mean- WOW. They may do about as much damage as overcooked spaghetti but the fact that you can throw them at a billion shots per second makes up for that. Unfortunately it's really lame against bosses because of couse they become invincible for 2 seconds after hitting them. What jackasses.
Verdict:   Four and a Half. Smile.


The Ones That You Can Kinda Control
Or, even better:
The Ones That Home In on People
Okay sign me up for this! I want to join the 'homing weapon' fan club and recieve the montly letter, members only T-shirt, and great discounts. The bosses that're weak against these are always really really easy. Also they're fun to use in normal levels to commit genocide against thousands of worthless robots. I mean come on! It's a weapon- that you can kinda control!
Verdict:   Five stoves


That Type That Freezes Everyone
These suck for a few reasons:
  1. They only work on normal enemies, not even pseudo-bosses
  2. The normal enemies always freeze over pits or in the middle of where you need to jump
  3. You still take damage from frozen enemies
I mean what's with that!? You walk up and touch an enemy that is completely deactivated or outside your time-space frame or just sitting there and you somehow lose half your life? Am I missing something or is it the lead poisoning I got as a kid?
Verdict:   One stove


That Kind That Does Something When It Hits a Wall
What? Am I missing something here? I mean isn't this a rather anal way of damaging people? I guess it can be useful sometimes (shotgun ice) but sometimes sticking it to a wall is the only way to cause more damage than whiffle bats (clash bombs). Also, some of them do really stupid things when they hit the wall or fly off in really stupid directions. Do me a favor and stand right there while I line the bank-shot off of this wall, okay?
Verdict:   2 and a half stoves


The Kind That Just Goes Straight Forward
Nobody cares about these but me. I found them sad and cuddled in a cardboard box one night when I was heading home and so I adopted them as my personal favorite even though I really like homing shots better. But even if they just fly forward, who cares? That's the easiest way of shooting people, idiots! Also they always do much more damage than the shitty arm cannon and fire faster than you can charge shots. So why don't you just back up off them?
Verdict:   Four stoves


Those Ones That Travel Along the Ground
I... I don't know what to say about these besides "Damn bee! That's a PHAT bow-tie." It's kinda cute how they work but when they do shit for damage and half the enemies either fly or hang from the ceiling or something equally dumb- especially bosses- they really don't impress me much. Except the Lead Bubble. Because it's a bubble- made of lead! Ingenious! I think I will invent this and patent it and so when Megaman 2 happens in 200X A.D., I'll get royalties.
Verdict:   Three and a half stoves

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Written by WrexSoul and posted on 07-24-00.
This article is 2000 Zach Francks.
WrexSoul@salamando.net


 
Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.