Today is a sad day in the Video Game community. For, after well over a year of tireless service bringing us bad Engrish and laughable grammer, it's time to bury one of our classic joke staples: Zero Wing. It has served us well, and it's time to honor its death in an decent and respectful manner.
I've been asked to say a few words about the dear departed joke...
No, you haven't.
Shut up, would you? I'm trying to lend a little class to this proceeding. Ahem. About a year and a half ago, I discovered a page called "Zany Video Game Quotes"-
Hey, I found that site.
Pipe down or I'll lock you in a basement with a middle-aged pervert ghost. Ahem. Anyway, I found this page that had the opening from Zero Wing in all its glory, complete with wonderful lines like "WHAT YOU SAY !!" and "FOR GREAT JUSTICE." Since that time, Zero Wing has become overused to the point where it's no longer funny and is, indeed, merely a sad, abused joke. In other words, it's sold out and gone mainstream.
Quiet. Anyway, stupid random obscure inside-jokes revolving around video games should be anything but mainstream. But the final straw in determining that this entire thing is overused, overplayed and generally now lame:
This is Cliff Belzinski, or Cliffy B. When a lamer like this starts taking our jokes, it's time to call it day. So that's why we're here today, to give the Zero Wing an honorable burial.
What? I thought this was Bill the Cat's funeral.
No - no. Just - no.
Can we hurry this up? I wanna hit the wake. Lemme at those cocktail weenies!
Right. So, uh, would anyone like to share thier memories of Zero Wing?
Uh, anyone who can TALK?
Oh! Oh! I do! I remember once I was lying in my own filth out in the gutter in Warjilis Trade City, and I saw this guy wearing a fruity blue uniform and fruity white gloves, and I was like "Hey! Hey, mister fancy man!" and he was like "WHAT YOU SAY" and I was like, uh, "Boots" and then I think I threw up on him. Sniff.
That's very, uh...
And then another time I says to Cecil, so I says, "You want your excalibur? Well you come and get it you big colorful loaf of crap!" and then I got stuffed with geshyal greens until i gots your blmphgpmmmmmmmm boooooooooozzzzee.....
Okay, uh... uh. Anyone have any sober recollections?
Well, once back before the lion war, when I had l i t t l e m o n e y and even less loyalty to the crown, I worked at a restaruant and one time this big party came in and all this guy said "All your table are belong to us". Because there were so many people. It was funny at the time, but now I would probably cast Holy on him for saying that.
Well, back in the 50 year war, when I was a general, I led a garrison of Lancers once. The commander then said "Take off all 'Lancer.'" I couldn't help but reply "You know what you doing." After the laughter died down, he said "Move 'Lancer'. For great justice." Then I realized it wasn't actually that funny, and I had to kill him in the name of Thunder God Cid. If any of you step out of line, I'll promise to kill you in the name of T.G. Cid too. I'm watching you. Espically you over there, elfy.
Well... I guess that's it. Goodbye, Zero Wing. Goodbye, All Your Base Are Belong to Us. Goodbye What You Say. Goodbye, Great Justice. Goodbye, Someone Set Up Us The Bomb. Goodbye, Cats. Goodbye, Captain. Goodbye Operator. Goodbye all 'Zig'. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
It's sad to see them go, but now we must bury the Zero Wing joke.
... I'll stop by later...
... Are you really dead? I can't believe you're really dead. I mean... you know...
Wait! Captain! CATS!
... Thank you, 'Zig.' For great justice.
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Written by WREVKSOUL and posted on 02-18-01.
This article is ©2001 Nick Hammer and his doglike follower, WrexSoul.
WrexSoul@salamando.net and Evk@salamando.net