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 Salamando's Stove - Issue 4; May, 2000
I begin this month's issue with a little anecdote.

It happened after I was fired from the Special Defence Force. I was just an average every-day citizen..., an average every-day citizen who could change shape at will... But regardless, I had to live in an average every-day house and eat average every-day ramen.

And boy did I eat it, every day in fact. I would guzzle ramen for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack. Well, until the fateful night when my ramen talked. I was just sitting there, minding my own business, finishing off the noodles and getting ready to slurp the ever-so-succulent ramen broth. Aah, ramen broth, ambrosia of the gods, how sweetly you slide down my ever-waiting mouth, across my alert and receptive pallate, and into my warm and accepting gullet. At least, it would have had it not suddenly shouted "NO! Don't eat me!" Suddenly, a faerie appeared in the ramen broth, and begged for its life.

"Ramen broth is alive! It's murder if you drink it! You must stop, and if you do I will repay you some day!" the little bugger said.

"Well, what about the noodles, is it murder to eat them?" I asked, still incredibly hungry.

"No, the noodles are fine. Just whatever you do, don't eat the ramen broth, okay?" it piped. I was a tad miffed, but I accepted, and set down the bowl... I had no idea what else to do with the bowl, so I wrapped it in seran wrap and put it in the window sill, out of my way.

The next night, however, the same thing happened. Once again being merciful, I spared its life and wrapped the unfinished ramen broth up. Days passed, and eventually two things happened: I was running out of ramen bowls, and I was running out of space on my window sill. After a couple of weeks, I had ramen broth in any container I had in the house- cups, tupperware, flower pots, measuring cups- all filled with ramen broth, and every spare space in my room was covered with them. It was getting hard to move around.

That night, I was awakened to a loud crash, and noise of people scuffling downstairs. Putting on clothes and rushing down to the living room, I saw two burglars with machine guns robbing my ramen-filled house! TVs, VCRs, computers, they just tossed them in their bag and moved through the house like it was The Sims! "Hey, stop it!" I shouted, causing their attention to turn toward me- and their machine guns as well.

Next thing I know, it was just like target practice, that is if target practice was repaced by shooting me with machine guns. I probably would've eaten it, even being an ex-SDF member, because even so, they got some pretty cheap shots in me and there was nothing I could do. Then something weird happened- The ramen bowls started rattling, shaking, and jumping in place! The crooks turned to look, and the seran wrap just leaped off of the bowls and wrapped itself around the burglars' faces! I took no time hesitating to transform into a big muscle-freak and bash their heads in.

The battle over, I was much relieved when I turned to the pulpified bad guys. "Thanks, ramen broth faeries!" I said, saluting the bowls. The bowls offerend no response, however, and simply remaind quaking where they sit. Quite unexpectedly, one tipped itself over, spilling broth all over the floor. Then another, and another until there was a thin layer of ramen broth in the room, all of the jars and bowls laying on the floor, their contents spread across my filthy, filthy living room.

Then, out of the broth, formed a man- a man made of ramen broth. His name was Ramen Broth Man, and he was my guardian angel. "I'm your guardian angel, Ramen Broth Man!" Ramen Broth Man said. And I knew it was true. Any time I needed help, I would always have a giant man made of ramen broth to save me.

"But, uh... won't this cause problems, having a giant man of ramen broth following me around when I do stuff like- go to the store?" I asked. Having a guardian angel of ramen broth isn't as cool as you may think, there are certain social issues that have to be resolved having this protector of ramen broth following you.

"Not to worry, I can stay invisible while you don't need me! Just remember- any time you need help, just call my name," he said. And I did. But that is a story for a different day.

Well, back on track, the Stove is in business again. In fact, the fourth issue was just sent out to all our dedicated fans. It was also sent to those people we bribed to sign up. Either way, to recieve YOUR free subscription for life... muahahaa, put in your valid email address below.

Enter a valid email address, like I said.

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Josh Kerns sent in the winning Salamando's Stove envelop art entry! Unfortunately, he was the only one who sent in an entry and he only did it because my cousin bribed him to to it. Good luck, Josh!

Dear Salamando's Stove,

Is there some secret to the Soru bread in Legend of Legia? I'm too stupid to use a FAQ so I'm going to write you guys and hope you have enough spare time on your hands to spell it out for me.

Does this look like RPGamer to you? Do I look like an RPGuru or RPGawdAwfulLettersGuy? Think I have nothing beter on my time? I mean, Hey- do we look like losers who have that memorized? No. You know how much of your memory a summon spell takes up? Do you? No you don't. I can barely remember where I live

Dear Salamando's Stove,

Dude did you see that one Gundam Wing where the guy was all like I'm going to kill you and other guy was like no way and the one guy punched the other guy so hard his like brains came out all over his fist and he was like ha ha I killed you? Dude I'm going to learn how to do that. Dude could you let me out of this closet? Then could I at least have something to eat? Dude, that's so not cool, dude.

This is a Video Game site. So what the hell are you talking about!? I feel your lame contaminating me, making me lamer by sheer association.

But we're not mad. No, you're just misguided. To show our good intentioins, have some Mosfungus. No, it won't hurt you. Go on, eat it. Yeah, that's it. Heh heh heh.

Dear Salamando's Stove,

I really like Castlevania. The diffrent selections of weapons and rooms is very fun. Thank you for not giving it bad marks. If you did I would have to hurt you like I hurt mommy and that policeman. What's a compound fracture?

Ha ha! Seriously, you're very stupid. We Summoners don't actually review the games. Evk or WrexSoul does that. We just answer questions, or once in a while beat the living crap out of someone. Hey, you take what you can get. You'd think we could find better jobs since we just helped save the world, you know? But, no, it was either this or scrubbing toilets.

Dear Salamando's Stove,

Why is your picture always the same? Do you always wear the same clothes? Can't you afford a nice suit? You know, at S&K, you get great men's suits for low, low prices. This $300 suit? At S&K, it's just $129.95. Come on down today.

Shut up.

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Written by Wrexsoul and Evk and posted on 05-04-00.
This article is 2000 Nick Hammer and Zach Francks.
Evk@salamando.net WrexSoul@salamando.net

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.