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 Queen of Heart '99
Rarely does Evk's mad perverted quest for games where women beat up other women yield anything of interest for me. Super Fire Wrestler D or whatever and WWF Smack That Bitch Up 2001 aren't very high on my wishlist, sadly. But occasionally he finds a rare gem that finally fulfills my lifelong dream of being a 14 year old Japanese schoolgirl.

Queen of Heart '99 is, amazingly, the sequel to Queen of Heart '98, if you can imagine crazy fucked up shit like that in your world. It's incredibly Japanese, so much so that I couldn't install it until I installed approximately 2 gigs of foreign language support on my computer and told it I lived in Osaka. But I'd say it's worth it because the premise, I remind you, is schoolgirls beating each other up. Now really, how can you lose with a formula like that?

So the main character is the cooking club chick. Well, one of them. She throws burning ladels and exploding pots and does dragon-punches. You know, stuff you learn in Home Ec. The other person from the cooking club is obviously bad news because she's not wearing a uniform. She probably learned all the cooking skills she needed and then dropped out of school and started a gang of unruly cooking thugs. I mean, look at the expression on her face!


With a face like that, how could you not be some sort of cullinary delinquet, loitering in bakeries and harassing local grocers? And what the fuck is with that floating window in the background? And the cat chick? And the person in armor? At least the backgrounds are constantly amusing. For instance, in another level, you get your own personal old ugly guy to cheer for you.


Yeah, you go guy. So where was I? Uh, right, everyone also has some super special move you can do if you charge up a lot. Whatever. Anyway, the chick from the tennis club's super badass move is turning into Card Captor Sakura. Don't believe me? I prove it to you!


Yeah. Showed you... Don't ask me why I know this is Card Captor Sakura. (cough) Okay let's change the subject here!


Okay that's the chick from the Gaijin club. She's obviously American since she has blonde hair and fangs. Ah yes, us crazy westerners. She's also in the archery club, but you'd never know playing her because apparently the archery club practices picking people up and slamming them the ground. Or kicking them, like such:


The other chick is part of the journalism club. I think so, at least, because it shows her carrying newspapers. Maybe she's in the have ugly-ass hair club. Which she STABS you with. She runs at you and pokes you with her UGLY ASS HAIR. Or maybe she's just in the fall-over-a-lot-and-show-your-panties club. Man, if this review gets any racier, we'd have to post it to Subway Pervert Attack. Watch out for those underpixels she's letting you see.

Let's continue to work hard!

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Written by WrexSoul and posted on 10-20-01.
This article is 2000 Zach Francks.
WrexSoul@salamando.net


 
Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.