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 Some Sailor Moon Brawler
Sailor Moon the video game: How drunk am I?

Okay, let's cover some facts everyone who's heard of a Dreamcast should know:

  1. Most video games come from Japan
  2. Anime comes from Japan
  3. Companies try to make money.

When you combine these facts with our magical calculator of obvious knowledge, we get the following formula: Anime + video games = money. This is an apparent one that has been capitalized on by countless shitty video game companies in Japan who have produced countless shitty video games that you, the poor American consumer, has failed to recieve a proper translated copy of. Indeed, there is a nearly limtless suppply of sub-standard video games in every genre from puzzle game to brawler that haven't been translated due to the pathetically overlookable reasonings of "This anime hasn't been translated to English," and "This was one of the worst games ever," and "We like boys and sacrifice goats to our dark pagan Japanese gods. Fear us, Western Christian dogs!"

Despite these money-grubbing companies that seek nothing but to line thier own pockets at the expense of countless human sacrifices, there exist in the world a last breed of virtuous noble few who seek to both preserve the noble heritage of the shitty Japanese video game and enlighten the unknowing American pig-dog. Yes, through tireless effort consisting of choosing a shitty untranslated ROM from my list of hundreds, and drinking enough screwdrivers that I can no longer form a coherent sentence, we will now explore the magic of changing writing styles in the middle of my thoughts are kind of dull right now so please forgive me.

This reminds me: This is probably largely unfunny due to the fact that I have at least once mentioned substance abuse. Let us look at the right and wrong way to carry out a review.

Right way: Jokes. Lots of jokes.

Wrong way: Suggested drug use.

I'm sorry, but "what kind of crack are you on! and where can I get it! ;-)"?
Was this ever funny? OH I GET IT. HE'S ACTING STRANGE SO HE MUST BE ON CRACK-
AND SINCE HE'S ACTING REALLY STRANGE IT MUST BE REALLY STRONG CRACK!!!!!1
SO THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY CAN GET SOME!!!! !HIGH-LARIOUS!

The point of this is: claiming to use drugs, be insane, drink the blood of the mortals, or put HEXES ON U!11 or BE A VAMPIRE2!14 isn't a way of earning friends. It is a way of becoming a living example of the worst kind of lameness that really exists in the world today. Take for example, Jacobo the Curious, a poor fanboy, who has tried to write reviews for us, on multiple occasions. While this is a flattering sentiment, in the end it is not quite as fun as you'd think, because you have to tell this guy who's SO CUTE in his undying affection for us how we really feel. But then again, he actually edited a screenshot for us. Sniff, it touches my heart. And he mentioned inside jokes you all probably won't get! FOR SHAME!

Meanwhile, I've become so bogged down with the real world such as working a shitty job in a pizza resturaunt that is in trouble of being shut down by the health department and writing a term paper for school on the works of Banana Yoshimoto, I've neglected you- our dear audience. How can I ever have you forgive me. I think the only way is passing out free coupons for oral sex from Evk. Limit one per visit.

Note that I realize now in hindsight that mentioning your personal life in an article isn't funny. So I'll have to apologize with this picture I found.

I got better!

See? She's a witch. And she's named Newt! Don't you get it? 'Cause- oh, nevermind.

So now that I've completely steered off topic let me return to my original point:

Nearly any anime of any fame can have a shitty video game made of it.

Take for instance, the Sailor Moon fighting game.

Take one part double dragon, one part sailor moon, and three parts skank on a stick, and what do you have?
I don't really know because it was painful to play. But I'll have enough screen shots of the first level to saitisfy even the most Snickers of cravings.

See, this is a side-scrolling brawler, a very underrated genre, completely left in the dust of 3d interactivity. That isn't really any sort of endorsement, because even in my nostalgia-ridden mindset, I can't bring myself to feel anything but seething contempt for this utterly unredeeming pile of shit. But hey- if it weren't for bad video games, we'd be out of business, trying to sell packages of kleenexes to tourists outside of Vegas peep-show parlors. Then again, we don't make any money off this anyway, so do us a favor and bite yourselves. That's the ticket. Now I feel self-important.

Okay! Step 2: justification.

I just wanted to say that there seems to be a formula for shitty anime-based video games, if even in the most loosest sense. For some reason, there must be a level made entirely out of food. I don't know what the fascination is, but it seems we can't take 10 steps without a level composed of cake slabs and giant scoops of ice cream. Delicious up!

Notice how I got the ZSNES text in the picture. CLASS-Y

Okay, moving on as quickly as possible...

I need to put something funny here. Maybe gear it towards boobs, and comment on how I always resort to boobs. "Let's get a hentai fanbase and then send them to Subway Pervert Attack for even less frequent updates, plus Evk in a skirt. Grizz8."

Also let's mention how every brawler has a stupid conveyer belt stage and a stupid elevator stage where guys jump down at you. Stop me before I thrill you all too much.

And a conclusion. I'm going to resort to heavy editing to save anything I write while this far gone. I have to get up in 4 hours for class tomorrow, which I'm sure I'll skip. Let's hear it for dedication to school on the last week of class! I'm sure I'll learn some important things in Calculus III for the second time like "HOW TO CONVERT TO SECRET NINJA COORDINATES! PLUS SPECIAL BONUS: HOW TO PARAMETRICIZE IN RESPECT TO BUSHIDO!"

Okay that didn't even make any sense.

I'm stopping while I'm ahead 3 vodkas.

Back to the index

Written by WrexSoul and posted on 05-02-02.
This article is 2002 Zach Francks.
WrexSoul@salamando.net


 
Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.