What goes through the head of someone who reviews Barbie Super Model? What hidden truths can this game show to us? Can it throw off vanity and show reality?
What it can do, however, is serve as a jumping-off point for me ranting for six paragraphs about how games made for kids are too difficult. Be thankful that it won't.
I could go on and on and on about how this game, designed for verrry young girls, gets way too hard towards the end, and that in fact this happens with lots of games. What's the point of marketing them to kids and then making them too hard for kids? However, like I said, I'm not going to discuss that. I'm also not going to make stupid Barbie jokes like HAR HAR BARBIE HAS LOTS OF HAIR LOL or insist that Barbie is a tool of the patriarchy.
Why am I telling you this? Well, two reasons: Now that you know what I won't do, whatever I do end up doing won't look so lame, and also the more I write about what I'm not going to do the less I have to actually write, which is just good for everyone. Ahem.
So, Barbie Super Model. This is a really really simplistic game broken up into three types of games. The first one is a driving/walking/skating sim, where Barbie drives or marches to the right of the screen, and then the left. You can't make Barbie go any faster, stop, turn around, shove people, or anything. All you can do is make her go up and down. Whoa. Talk about powerful. I mean, I thought Lionheart was pretty badass, but I think Barbie could probably Squall's ass with her magic walk towards the top of the screen ability.
Before you get sarcasm poisoning, let's move on. The second type of game occurs when you touch a shopping bag or camera (odd in the car stage, because it looks like you're going to run them over). Then you get taken to a stupid sort of Simon Says game. They show you a magazine cover, tell you to MATCH BARBIE WITH THE MAGAZINE and you go into Barbie's wardrobe and try on diffrent outfits until you find what she's wearing. Ohh man. Sometimes you just adjust her makeup. L33T!!
The third type of game is along the same lines. Barbie goes into her dance studio, and shows you the moves she has to do at her big clothes show-off thing. They're always the same type of thing, and after a while I was hoping mabye thugs would burst into her studio and you'd have to fight them off with her stero speakers. Then again, I keep forgetting this isn't Kunio, except you won't get that joke because the Kunio review hasn't been posted yet. OOPS!
The odd thing about this game is that it has a really somber tone. The music when you drive your car around sounds about appropriate to if you were driving home from your parents' funeral. Even when you succeed, Barbie dosn't seem to register anything at all. I mean, what I'd really like is if, when you complete something sucessfully, Barbie turned diffrent colors and jumped up and down. Or mabye broke into a million pieces. Or beat Skipper to death with a crowbar. Speaking of Skipper, where is she? And where's Ken? And who cares?
Did you know this game's title is abbrivated to B:SM? Think about it. Dude, you're not thinking about it.
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Written by Evk and posted on 8-10-00.
This article is ©2000 Nick Hammer.