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 Coca Cola Cats
Coca Cola Cats is a game, not about Coca Cola, but about animals who play baseball. In my case, it's about animals who play baseball really badly. Yes, I am awful at this game. Mabye the team I picked is Japanese for "Blue bears who really suck at baseball".

Actually, wait. I picked "Georgia Cola" team. Which is run by blue masturbating bears. No really, they have thier hands down their pants! Hah! Oops! Anyway, I learned in English class not to jump around so much. Or was that dance class? Wait, I never took dance. Where was I?

Right, Coca Cola Cats. For a game based around soda-drinking baseball-playing animals this isn't so bad. It's at least constantly amusing, more than can be said of, say, Aerobiz. If this was just a game about animals who drank soda as the name implies, it'd be pretty boring. In fact, I'd have to say baseball video games rank just below "super model simulation" games in my book. Fortunatly, the appeal for this game isn't in trying to not suck at it so awfully. Rather, you play this game to get commentary from a giant ape with sideburns who looks like Dr. Zaius or something.

I'm pretty sure it's him. I mean, just think about it, while being pursued by armed guards, he blasted into the vastness of space using the Statue of Liberty, which was really a spaceship. Then he managed to travel to a distant planet which perpetually exists in 1973, is controlled by the soft drink industry, and is populated by large animals. Then he could have aquired a 70's fashion sense and haircut and gotten a job as a baseball annoucer, and that's why he's in the game. It could happen!

Well, I'm honored to have Dr. Zauis annouce my baseball game, even if I suck so badly that he sometimes falls asleep.

Actually I'm completely bullshitting you. All I know about Planet of the Apes came from parodies like in The Simpsons or Spaceballs. So to distract you, here's an amusing song about our favorite simian announcer. HOOZUH

So I was thinking about what could possibly make this game better besides being in English and not being impossibly difficult. And you know, I really think Sepiroth should be in a baseball game. Think about it - have him throw meteors instead of baseballs and you've got solid gold. Or at least gold plated. Also, when he's up at bat, he could swing at baseballs with the Masamune! I'm such a genius I scare myself!

You know this would sell. Moreso than some cheap fighter with him as a 'hidden character.' Unless you could use him in the shitty wanna-be Chocobo's Mysterious Dungeon mode. You know what I'm talking about.

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Written by Evk and posted on 9-25-00.
This article is 2000 Nick Hammer.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.