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 Final Fantasy III (j)
Final Fantasy III was one of the earlier Square games, back when they were undecided about whether to translate all their games. Finally, some loser with more time on his hands than I do decided that it was a real shame that we didn't get this ancient husk of a game and translated it for my viewing pleasure. Upon playing this fan-hacked crap, it is apparent why Square decided against wasting any money bringing this to America.

I suppose this early on, Square was really interested in experimenting, because at a first glance, FF3 looks little like anything resembling "Final Fantasy" up to that point. Instead, it's a pathetic waste of a platform game, so horrid it makes Bad Dudes look state-of-art. What were they thinking?

You punch and kick through a frighteningly ugly 4-color jungle, battling what appear to be out of work Friday's waiters. Eventually you run into a shuriken-hucking 12-year old with a ponytail who will more than likely kill you. If you manage to survive you are privledged with more waiters and some deformed muppet in a sleeping bag. That's where I died. I tried a few times, but I always ended up seeing the same screen.

So, you can choose between two characters, Desh and Sara. They're pretty much identical except that one's a chick. Whoa boy. I kept hoping something interesting would happen to them, some amazingly worthwhile screenshot to make the game and reviewing it all worthwhile. I guess you're just shit out of luck though, because I'm pissed and I want my venting space.

I don't even know what they were thinking when they slapped the Final Fantasy label on it. It seems to be a common problem as far as other square games. You know how the Seiken Densetsu series got jerked around, and the Saga series sure got the shaft... and um, you know that other one. Also people bitch about the newer Final Fantasies enough. I think I'm going to shut up right now.

Also I will pretend like I wasn't accidentally playing Flying Dragon the whole time.

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Written by WrexSoul and posted on 08-15-00.
This article is 2000 Zach Francks.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.