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 Review: Final Fantasy VIII
Anyway, before I get this review started, I want to state that I really liked this game. I liked it lot, and thus, you will kiss it and perhaps stroke it. I dunno. Mabye you should take it for a walk first, you know? Ease into it. Don't come on too strong or you'll scare it off.

So. Getting marginally on topic, this is a game about a big asshole (Squall) and the woman he loves, a prissy annoying bitch with a mental age of three. She's named Rinoa, which is annoying because I know a real-life bitch named Rinoa and it throws me off. Also hanging around are Zell, a barret-type guy with a hot dog fetish (his biggest line of dialouge: "Shit!"), Selphie the whore with awful hair, Irvine the pimp, and Quistis, the hot one. Oh, sweet Quistis. Despite her somewhat dowdy clothes (she looks like a low-budget arabian princess), she's hot. She has a chest, a personality, and she isn't incredibly annoying like some people I could name (COUGH COUGH RINOA COUGH HACK). Of course, guess who you end up with? Yeah, Rinoa. Gah.

Now I'm going to stop beating around the bush and get right down to it: What about the chicks? Which one deserves my love? Well I'm glad you asked! To start things off with, there's your annoying, chipper, pushy SeeDmate, Selphie. While she's pretty nice from the neck down (and wears a nicely short skirt too), she has the most godawful hair ever. Gaaaah, that hair! She also whines at you all the time to be positive and keep going blah blah hmurgh let's continue.

Despite how whiney Selphie is, she's not as bad as Rinoa. Not by far. First off, Rinoa dresses like some reject from the Italian circus. And for some reason any time you see her in a FMV, she's always squinting. This is not so bad, considering she doesn't talk during FMV. Outside of FMV she's a whiney, bitchy, pushy hobag with possibly the stupidest weapon ever concieved in a Final Fantasy game. The height of her dialog? "MEANIE!!!" This is not helped by the fact that Squall acts like a preening jerk through the entire game.

But which one gets my vote? For my money, I go for Quistis. She has all the right things going for her. First off, she's hot. She may dress kinda trashy (see above), but it could be worse. Also, she is the first person to stop being a whining hobag. She cuts it out halfway through disc 1, while the others keep you beating your head into the TV through the whole game. Also, she doesn't use annoying phrases like "Booyaka!" or "Meanie!!!", and actually acts like someone with half a brain. On top of that, her weapon is the only one of the females' that doesn't end up looking like some party game. Selphie's gets a star and a moon on it at one point (?!?) and Rinoa's evoves past the mighty Metal Pidgeon to the Big Ugly Circle of Stupid-ass Wings. Quite a step up. And come on, Quistis is the only one of the three who has her own fan club. Doesn't that speak for itself? Become a Treppie or die. Now if only I could get ahold of the Quistis posable action figures.....

As for other chicks, they all pretty much run together, although there aren't any women who wear pants. Really - find me, say, three and I will send you a "I sucked Evk off for crack" T-shirt. I dare you. Anyway - Xu is kind of hot, but I can't really see her face, so she ends up with a fatal case of genericness.

Moving along, the way the game works is that you get new GFs - Guardian Forces - who let you raise stats and shit when you junction them. Who cares? Go read the tutorial if you want that crap. I know the foremost question on your mind is - are they hot? Well, sort of. While only two them are really humaniod enough to be hot (Um, female humaniod anyway - we need a chick here to rate guys) one of them has huge wings growing out of her head. I dunno, that's just kind of a turnoff. I mean, little wings I can see, but these are freaking huge wings. Out of her HEAD. It's so wrong on so many levels. However, a true gem is your first GF, Shiva. She's quite hot, even if her hair looks like long tubes filled with blue paint. She's big, she's blue, she's not wearing much, and good lord, she can bend. Yum yum.

So, um. This is a good game. I recommend you purchase it, and do me a favor. You can name damn near everything in this game. So when you play through it, name Rinoa's dog "Nicchan" for me. And you can name Diablos "WrexSoul". But be sure when you get to name your ring at the end of disc 2, call it "Evk." It makes me happy, and that means less tyranny for you and your family when I'm unquestioned leader of the planet. Anyway, buy it and then talk to me so I can brag about how good my party is and how they could kick your ass into the next epoch.

Alright, I'm done. Now unchain me.




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Written by Evk and posted on 02-01-00.
This article is 2000 Nick Hammer.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.