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 Battle of Lovers
A Square game!

Not just a Square game, a Square game that's a board game. A board game with a dating theme, and weird-headed preppies and goths, yes, but a board game. With a name like 'Fighting lovers', you'd think it would be a fighting game or something. Or at least I would. Okay, so I was wrong once! Shut up! Man, just back up off me!

Ahem. The premise behind Battle of Lovers is that you want to take some wo-maan out on a date. It's hard to do, because if you manage to hook up with one, you have to take her to a date spot. While you try to do this, the other three guys, who look eerily Crono-Triggeresque, try to steal your date. Your date decides who to go with by who gives her more gifts. Yes, all the women in this game are channeling the spirit of Nabiki.

If you manage to successfully complete a date, though, you get the reward of having creepy lipstick stains appear along with the word CHU. CHU?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I guess CHU is the kissing sound, but every time I see it I get a horrible Xenogears flashblack. CHU!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Now I'm going to go for a world record and end three paragraphs in a row with the phrase, "CHU? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO." CHU?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Was that funny? It's hard for me to tell sometimes. Like, once, I told my cousin a stupid joke about gay vegetables, and later she shaved her head as a protest for the rights of gays and vegetables. So, I don't know. On the other hand, I can't see what damage that could cause. I don't think someone would shave thier head for the rights of Chu, unless they're really stupid, in which case they DESERVE to look like a radiation vic - oh. Yeah, the review. Where was I?

Uh. Well. There are some odd things in this game, which are really the best part. Sometimes screens will come up where one of your dates, who looks like Tifa if Crono was her dad, is covered in purple cats. Sometimes you spin around, stars appear and your head gets really big, and at one point you get, I swear, a condom with what looks like Sailor Moon on it. I can only imagine the other product tie-ins ("When people reach for thier diaprham, they don't want to see my face.")

There's also the Homo Patrol, three guys in red speedos who show up, cause an earthquake, and make whatever guy triggered them cry. They might be beating him up, but I'm pretty sure it's some sort of homosexual rape. Then your guy can't move a few turns because he's crying. I forgot to take a screenshot of that and I'm too lazy to now, so you'll have to download the ROM if you want to see it. Then again if you have the time and bandwith to waste on Super Nintendo homoerotic rape, there's something deeply wrong with you. Better go get gene therapy.

I never thought I'd use the term "Super Nintendo homoerotic rape". Ever.

What else? Well, once I put my love up against a preppy's sushi, and lost. My eternal love lost to a cheap sixpack of sushi. I am filled with shame.

You know, I can never think up a good way to end these articles, so I will leave you with a quote from WrexSoul and some screenshots:

WrexSoul 2/19/99 8:01 PM (makes a BUuuahhhaaggh sound)

Ah, what the hell. Here's one more:

WrexSoul 2/19/99 9:23 PM You worry me.


Back to the index

Written by Evk and posted on 07-11-00.
This article is 2000 Nick Hammer.
Oh yeah, also, that condom image was edited a bit. Aren't I a masterful Megami-sama?

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.