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 Miracle Girls

Miracle girls! This is a very, uh, interesting game. On the one hand, it's in Japanese and yet easy to play. On the other hand, it will make you have a heart attack if you play it. Or perhaps a seizure, but some sort of medical disorder. I can't really explain why. You have to play it. I don't think it's possible to convey the level of life-stopping mouth-droppingness in this game. But I will try, for great justice.

Miracle Girls dosn't seem so bad upon first inspection. You turn it on, the Miracle Girls say something, and you get the wonderful title screen pictured above. The options below are, basically, the main game or a bunch of mini games, which I will discribe later. Upon picking which Miracle Girl you want (the lesbian or the oppressed woman), the game starts with a chilling cinema scene. I can only pass along a screenshot and hope you have more of an iron constitution than I do.

The Miracle Girls see how close they can get without cutting each other with thier very sharp noses.

Mikage uses a lifeline while standing on an ecstatic floating rabbit head.
Upon the cinema's completion, you are left with a sense of what you have to do ("Huh?") and the means to do it ("The attack button makes you throw CANDY?!"). Yes, indeed, you have no clue what you're trying to do and you're stuck as a candy-throwing little girl. Isn't this one of Dante's circles of hell?At this point, you find a pretty standard side-scroller, except that:
  • You throw candy.
  • All the enemies are cute little moles or rabbits.
  • Your charecter stops to emit cryptic sounds ("Ski-do!")
  • And look at the backround. My god, the backround.

It's impossible to ignore all these factors and pretend you're playing a game like, say, Sonic the Hedgehog. Just when you're feeling good about yourself, you'll jump on a red flower, which will mysteriously drop you to your death. Perhaps it's better that way, except you get unlimited continues. Curses.

Unfortuneatly, once you start playing this game, you can't stop. You are disgusted, and yet you can't shut it off. Level after level you'll throw candy and jump in a kind of horrifed daze, sapped of the strength to do anything but continue. I recommend that you have people around you - three or four. Chances are one of them will eventually physically pull you away from your computer. But wait! We aren't done yet! There are still mini-games!!

Mikage realizes she's in Miracle Girls and prepares for ritual suicide

The Miracle Girls compete with a rat on a tricycle to pick a spouse. Tomomi cries when she's forced to be a lesbian.
There are too many mini games, ranging from "run around and shoot the other Miracle Girl with a watergun" to the ever-fun "Pick a spouse" or "Collect green clouds". These games are fun for two players, in much the same way chainsaw murders are fun for the victims. You have to play these games against the computer anyway, at the end of each level, but it's not as fun shooting a huge bee with bosoms - the level one boss - as it is your little partner. Some sort of fun can actually be gleaned out of these, if no more so than making your Miracle Girl choose to marry a pigtailed schoolgirl and break down in tears.

So in conclusion, what is Miracle Girls? Pure, undistilled terror. Don't let it get ahold of you. It will take your very soul and feed it candy. But, if you choose to disregard my warnings, you can always download the rom here. Run it in ZSNES with sound for the full horror. You've been warned. Now dance, my pretty! DANCE!!

Part 2: The Screenshots

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Written by Evk and posted on 1-24-00.
This article is 2000 Nick Hammer.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.