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 Princess Maker 2
Princess Maker is about making princesses about as much as Pocket Fighter is about having Capcom characters brawling in your pants. Even so, with a name like that, you feel kinda guilty enjoying playing it, kinda like enjoying the Powerpuff Girls only less Cartoon-Networky. But unlike Miracle Girls this game doesn't make you drop your pants and do the vertical wall-sexer dance. It's actually enjoyable to play with and perhaps take to the movies. Unlike that last boyfriend of yours.

This game reminds me of a hentai game, but not because it's smutty- more like because I've seen hentai games rip off of this game poorly. I guess when you're trying to focus on sex, a clever interface just gets in the way. And while as when you're trying to focus on a clever interface, sex just gets in the way. And when you're not trying to focus on anything, you end up like Legend of Mana so we'll just let shitty hentai games be that and this will be this. Not that having a little sex would have been bad.

But back to the point, the game is about raising a girl. So you are the never-present father figure for this girl. You decide stuff one month at a time like whether to send her to school or to work at a cabaret or out to wander the streets alone at night you insensitive jerk, you. This part would be pretty boring by itself, so since they don't have sex scenes to interrupt it, you can run around in RPG-like battlefields, if by RPG-like you mean the ability to 'walk' and 'fight.' It's really more entertaining than it sounds so believe me or I'll use Northern Cross on you.

So you have this butler named Cube, who looks like Prince. He flies around and brings her shit she forgot at home and basically takes care of her while you're out getting drunk or something. There's an old perverted dragon who hits on her and tells her to get bigger cans or jugs or whatever you think the most crass term a dragon would use for them. Also occasionally she'll be walking home and get challenged to a fight by someone like Halbor Reekbreath or Nalbu or Rshgjyck or some other stupid person like Bon Bon Bizzaro.

And every January this effeminate guy comes to the palace, who will lie and say he's whatever she's studying right then (prince, soldier, shoe-shine boy). What a loser. Also every year there is a festival, and you get paid on this day. You came to this kingdom, saved them all from a legion of demons, and only get paid enough to send your girl to two classes each year? Do I sense the fact that world-saving heroes get ripped off a lot?

There are a whole lot of scenarios in the game, and I don't know how they expect you to find them. Also there's approximately one FAQ out there which tells you absolutely dick about how to get the weird stuff and there was no official strategy guide so you're shit out of luck probably. It doesn't really matter unless you're some freek who cares about getting every ending. On the other hand, if you really want something, they had a built in cheat on my game and instructions how to turn it on, so all's okay.

So in short, download and play this game. Everyone needs a dose of standard VGA to take them down a couple of notches. Also I mentioned you can beat Bon Bon Bizzaro up, yes? Because you can, assuming she doesn't grow up to run away or become a concubine. Well there's nothing left now except possibly jerking it or giving you screenshots. Guess which one.

What was that crack about 'noseless freaks?'

Nothing! I mean, it was but- look at her! She's a freak! With no nose!

I'll show you a 'noseless freak' you! Let's see how freaky noseless people are now! Earth-minded soul, protect us! Golem!

... What? What is Golem going to do!?

Shut up, you!

I mean, really? GOLEM?!

ARRGH did you know my last job was Monk? Fists of justice! Repeating fist!

Ow.

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Written by WrexSoul and posted on 07-18-00.
This article is 2000 Zach Francks.
WrexSoul@salamando.net


 
Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.