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 Puyo Pop
When you take a quick glance at Puyo Pop, you see a typical, mediocre puzzle game. However, if you actually sit down to play it, overlooking all the cute Japanese characters, the brightly colored pieces falling down a well that you must arrange by color to destroy, sending junk pieces over to your opponent, and the cute but repetetive background music, you'll see it for what it really is: a typical, mediocre puzzle game. But that won't stop me from writing a typical, mediocre review for it.

But first let me thank all of those tireless communist bastards who so quickly and efficiently created a near-perfect GBA emulator. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to take any screenshots and use them to fluff the entire review and replace any actual content or jokes I could possibly make on my own. I'd be stuck trying to use this digital camera and I wouldn't be able to use save states for when the game is cheating me and doing the thing where the controller sticks and then I so didn't push the button and they did a 15 hit combo on me on the first stage and I lose.

Anyway, for effect, here's what it would look like. I'm telling you so you'll be even more impressed with this review when you see how bad it could be.

Here's the title screen! You can see that it's very cute and obviously a game boy advance game that you can play on a game boy! You can also see Evk's cat here a bit because she was sleeping under the light which I like better than when she's smacking her face against me whn I'm trying to play and making me put the piece down wrong and then the computer cheats me again and I have to hit the cat a lot and then cry while masturbating that night because I know Jesus would never touch me there anymore if he knew I hit cats. But she's really old and going to die anyway and she likes to walk all over me and my keyboard and stuff and it's like no, please step on my genitals some more, cat. I wouldn't just walk up and start petting you if I felt like paying attention to you- you should just sit in my lap like I don't have anything better to do like playing puyo pop to get stupid screenshots for a stupid review that probably 12 people will read.

Here's me loving the game! I'll pretend you can't see up my nose in that shot and that I have an ugly mustache and that thing on my chin is a BIRTHMARK and not food or a zit like the ones on my forehead and back and rear-end. [This review doesn't have any potty humor in it if I use polite words and not like that nasty site Something Awful who are a bunch of filthy doo-doo heads so I'm a lot better than them.] And it's in the demo mode because I'd feel stupid playing the game up to level 3 just to take a picture like I played past more than the first 2 minutes and probably die while I find the camera and hold it up to my face and then I'd have to hit it again. I mean, I like the game, and would never actually willingly beat it because we're a happy family here with a relationship based on trust and not making me lose so I have to get the belt of sorriness out again and make the game show me how sorry it really feels and make me regret it later so that I cry while masturbating again.

Now that you know how this review isn't going to be, I can make the real review only half as long and nobody will be the wiser except for me and everyone else. Let's start with some of those screenshots I love so very much! This is the intro to the puzzle game! I found it hilarious myself, so I'll chalk that up to one more stupid joke this review has that I didn't even have to think up myself. SCORE!

That's my wife there. The one with a metal plate on one of her boobs. You can have the rabbit thing. No, YOU take the rabbit thing and keep your mitts off of my wife! You're just just jealous that my wife is the star of her own video game and you can only get dates with bimbos who will have sex with you in real life. Let's look at my wife some more!

Isn't she cute? This brings up an important issue I've been meening to clear up for a while. It has come to my attention that Evk has been making many accusations about me and my... tastes... in women. Usually very derogatory, spiteful commentary such as "WrexSoul likes to do it with 6th graders," implying I actually SLEPT with any of them. Not to mention his accusations have been getting younger as time goes on- 15 year olds, 12 year olds, 8 year olds, even toddlers... Actually, I exaggurate, he's never accused me of being attracted to anyone 15 years old.

My official response to this is that these are completely unfounded, fabricated untruths he has created to sully my good name. You may think my wife proves something, but she's very small for her age, and besides which, we've never actually engaged in sexual relations. We believe that love exists beyond age, and it's a beautiful thing that should be cherished and we're saving sex for when she's ready. So I would appreciate it if people would stop accusing me of things that may or may not be grounded in any real truth.

So it's about time I put another joke in here! Saved by another screenshot!

HAHAHAHA, this review is practically writing itself! And I don't even have to resort to levels made out of cake or substance abuse or edited screenshots yet. Ah, tea bags... heh.... hmm.... mm...

So, uh, I suppose I could tell you about the game play or something. I'm sure that's what you want to hear, me going on and on and on and on about how good the controls are or the different modes or an overall impression of the game or something, right? Or maybe, what you really want is...... ANOTHER SCREENSHOT! Ah, at least I know how to please my fans. Well if it's a screenshot you want, here's a doozy I've been saving!

See how my wife turns down all that scum out there? Anyway, look how the time flies! I'm already almost done, and it feels like I just started! With this new style that's different from every other review I've made, I swear, I can keep crapping out reviews with no problem! Now we might actually have an update every TWO months! I'm so revolutionary!

But before I go, I need some more promotion for this game. If the fact that it's a puzzle game by itself doesn't make you want to jump up and buy it, and the fact that my wife is in it doesn't make you at least consider getting it to support me and the woman I love, then you should at least see this victory screen:

Isn't that classic! It says "OH NO!!" when you lose! Isn't that CLASSIC?! Well, that's all this time. Chalk another one up for the Wrexster.

P.S. If anyone has any Arle hentai or will draw some for me message me!!!!

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Written by WrexSoul and posted on 08-20-01.
This article is 2000 Zach Francks.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.