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 Crayon Shinchan 2

Poah Man's tranlsation: Kureyon Shinchyan 2, or Crayon Shinchan 2

AssDance your way to Fame and Fortune!

Are you, dear reader, constantly under threat of being knifed for your pokemon cards? Is the male nurse at your rest home acting all mean again and witholding your medication? Or is that road raged motorist you flipped the bird to about to crack your skull open? Well now you can fight back with style and panache with "MEGA SEXY ASS DANCE", and one wierdass little game called Crayon Shinchan 2 will show you the ropes.

1. The Game

You begin with three stages to choose from, with a boss at the end of each. Right away you realize that this’ll be a very easy game to finish because each level takes about one minute to beat, not counting the boss (that’s another minute, max). I am in no way exaggerating when I say it took me longer to write this article than it did to beat the game ON MY FIRST TRY. Sure, you can try exploring everywhere, jump on everything, whatever it doesn’t matter: this game is disappointingly short. You’ll lose a life here and there but you won’t even notice. The only real obstacle you’ll ever encounter is the fairly bad hit detection.

Anyone with a two-digit IQ can figure out how to play this game. All the powerups basically kill everything onscreen or make you invincible, making finishing the game possible to anything technically alive. Blind, amputated ‘nam vets have written FAQs to it and people in 15-year comas take about 2 days to complete it. You catch my drift? If you cannot beat Crayon Shinchan 2 then you are just a shroud of ectoplasm that is unable to pick up a controller. Therefore, one assumes that the difficulty indicates this game is geared towards kids…an idea which disturbs the HELL out of me…

For example, Shinchan must battle walking sphincters, seen in many if the stages. One boss in particular tosses (his? hers?) double D-cup bras around: as you pathetically crawl away, crying and with a bra strapped your head, you feel the blunt pain of hammers thrown at your ass. Shinchan himself has a busty supersuit and, quite frankly, seeing a little boy rinning around with clevage shooting beams from his mouth would send me running to an asylum for safety and sanity. I’ve noticed that elephant imagery abounds everywhere, everywhere. Elephant slides, elephant springboards, elephants on outfits and in backgrounds. I cannot help but feel that the elephant represents something... anatomical. I suppose the trunk is supposed to be a metaphor for an appendix, or maybe a uvula or something (cough).

Occasionally you’ll get a bonus game. One is just a cheap memory game. If you’re REALLY blessed you will get the chance to play as Shinchans’ dog, running around the screen eating bones or dead fish that are thrown at you by Shinchan. Eating many bones makes for a happy dog and a 1-up but dead fish make for a sick wincing dog. This I find odd, as I’ve seen dogs eat absolutely anything and everything, including used feminine hygine products, stool, and afterbirth. Plus you’d find more meat on a fish head anyway.


Jump on them.

2. The Super Sexy Ass Dance

The pinnacle of this game’s power, as well as the inspiration for this article, lies in the MEGA SEXY ASS DANCE, a force so honest and brutal that it can kill everyone around you. Shinchan pulls down his pants, waves his butt around chanting “Chozin, Chozin” as the Hindu god Vishnu (or possibly the elephant man) radiates benevolence in the background. Consider yourselves lucky, readers, that this power is found only in this game. Can you imagine this as Barett’s L4 limit break? How about an MK fatality for Goro? A MEGA SEXY ASS DANCE Frog/Magus/Robot TripleTech combo???

But the fire that burns is also the flame which cauterizes. Despite how difficult it can be for some to experience this ass dancing technique, anyone employing it has nothing to fear from nobody and can even make some extra cash on the side. Social and political disputes can easily be mediated by one party waving their ass at the other, a practice soon to be adopted by many commonwealth parliaments as well as the UN. Granted, the first few attempts will leave you feeling vulnerable, shy and confused. But give it, and this game just an hour of your time and you too will see the value in it. Or at least you’ll realize why Nintendo didn’t just port over every single game ever made in the east….some stuff is simply too powerful for our youth. And MEGA SEXY ASS DANCING is almost too powerful for me. Almost.

On a side note, I still don’t know what gender the last boss is.

3. The Screenshots

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Written by Cali-X and posted on 2-27-00.
This article is ©2000 Calvin LaMont.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' ©1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.