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 Vandal ~ Hearts
Swords, gore, tildes, magic, time travel, and thou

This review introduces Dignity Bot, a robot who will smack me when I get out of line and injure my dignity. Say hello, Dignity Bot.


HAHAHA! Oh, well. I guess that's what I get for building him without a mouth, eh?


Ah, Vandal ~ Hearts, ye of a tilde in your name. This is an early PSX game, and it's basically a early Final Fantasy Tactics with a lot more guys and time travel. But let me explain, and you're going to sit there and like it. Aren't you you little fucking automation? You'll sit there and listen to any shit I -


... Well then. Vandal ~ Hearts has basically the same battle engine as Tactics. You move on squares, attack, fight people with ridiculous name, etc. If you ever played Tactics you'll feel right at home with this game. Fortuneatly Vandal ~ Hearts has something Tactics doesn't, which is innovative missions. Instead of "Kill this guy" or "Kill everyone," you get a lot of variety. In some missions you have to kill everyone, true, but there are some great missions that stand out, like one where an enemy patrol is coming and you have to ambush it. There's also a battle that takes place in a three-tiered arena and some shit happens and it's fucking inventive, okay? Well, this does have the downside of being hard and requiring some play-throughs, but what are you gonna do? Go out and get a life? Please. Don't pretend you have anything better to do with your time. You think I haven't seen you guzzling cheap booze to dull the endless, all-consuming dull pain that's your sad life? Huh? Just wh-


OWCH. Ahem.

Anyway, there are more good things about Vandal ~ Hearts. The first is that you have a fucking ton of guys, and you fight a fucking ton of guys. This means that you loose a few people every battle, as bad as this feels to a Tactics master like myself. Another good thing that goes along with this is that this game has huge, huge maps. Some maps have multiple levels (as in the three-tiered arena), while others are just big. This means that instead of the small-scale battles of Tactics, you end up with huge melees. Definately a plus!

What else can I feed you pathetic simians about the battle system? Well, one huge drawback is it makes the game short. See, every battle you fight is scripted- there are no random ones. So you only have about 25 fights total, and if you're good, you can beat them quickly. I beat this game in two days, and I could have done it faster if I was trying for time. This also means you have to be careful to use all of your characters or they won't get built up. But my point is I beat the game in two days. I mean how cool is that? You know how I did it? It's 'cause I'm a badass. I'm the greatest video ga


Let's see- some other stuff. The job class system in this game isn't as good as Tactics, surprise. The plot is good, if a little predictable. The really odd thing is that it has time travel in it. This is an extremely medieval game, and seeing time travel in it is pretty odd and sort of throws you off. Also your guy gets this super shitbeating sword of legendary badassness but it only does 2 more damage total than a sword you can buy. Oh man, glad I got that. The graphics, sadly, have a terminal case of Xenogears disease- which means they aren't very pretty. On the plus side, when someone dies there's a huge tower of gore that erupts from them. It's pretty shocking the first time but you get used to it. Lastly is music. Thumbs up. Diffrent battlefields have diffrent music. Does anybody out there have the soundtrack for this?

So, in conclusion, this is a good game. I recommend picking it up. Also, don't forget the ~ in the game's title or I'll have to kill you. Perhaps I'll start by rending your intestines out with the Vandal ~ Heart, or perhaps the screen can go black and your companions can rush in to see you splattered across the wall like some zodiac monster ran rampant in your ass-


OW. Upon reflection, I should sell that for parts.

Did I mention this game is rated M? 'Cause it's mild compared to what you see in Tactics, which got a T. I'll see you at the gates of Hell!

Screenshots! Now with new and exciting bold font face action!

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Written by Evk and posted on 07-31-00.
This article is İ2000 Nick Hammer.

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' İ1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.