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 Shining the Holy PREVIEW

SO, I'm sure you're all wondering about what this Shining the Holy is. To be concise, it's a super dense depleted uranium slug of sheer absurdity, self-mockery, and video game parody. I really don't know how to preview a game, so let me read IGN or some other crappy "legit" site to see how they do it.

Oh dear god.

Well then! Armed with this information, prepare for us to rock your world with stone-cold video game previewing action, and not in the Steve Austen way either.

March 22, 2003 - The Shining Demo disk, which is available only to the developers and friends thereof, spans the first chapter in this game which reportedly will have as many as FIVE exciting chapters, filled with references to body parts, bad graphics, and excessive cross-dressing. Reports vary, but nearly 30 games have been made fun of in one form or another in this game, making it a game that every gamer can glean some enjoyment off of.

Here is one of many references to other video games.

Even if you don't catch any obtuse reference, you can still take comfort in knowing that there are hundreds- nay, thousands of jokes that have been described as "funny," "hilarious," and "not bad," which have nothing to do with video games. If you plan on playing this for extended periods, we reccomend you invest in some diapers, because this game will make you crap yourselves over and over.

Failing that, you had better prepare to hold your sides to keep them from LITERALLY BURSTING with the hilarity of the jokes contained in here! In fact, you're risking your entire body falling apart from the massive amounts of chuckling you're going to be doing at jokes like - warning, even reading this is dangerous - "I'm a big fucking fatass." LOOK OUT!!!!

Amazing Super Nintendo-quality graphics!

This game is the first game from the renegade development studio "Stovegames," a subsidary of "EvkWrex Productions." Mostly known for their lame jokes in other venues, such as their smash cult website, "Salamando's Stove," they bring their stupid joke ability to the big time, with amazing battles, long fetch quests, and enough retarded jokes that by the time you're through, you'll be really, really tired of retarded jokes.

After much work, we finally scored an exclusive interview with the president, which we reprint in full here as a SUPER EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

US: Excuse me, do you have a moment?
WREXSOUL: No, but I do have a boner with your name on it.

Suffice to say we have a real inside track! You won't find this super-hot info on any other website, buddies!

Look! A screenshot of dialog!

When we got our hands on the demo copy, we immediately jumped into the meat of the game. It wastes no time in being silly, and starts you on a roller-coaster of going from one area to the next, talking to everybody along the way. Well, at least we think. To be honest with you, after being accused of stealing a slime's lunch money, I fired up the old bong and played Arkanoid. Man! That fucking brick-breaking action never gets old, homies! You feel me? Hey, did you know that my editor never reads my work? I could say this game's full of ducks and he wouldn't blink! He'd just go back to stroking himself under the desk waiting for the chance to give the next Zelda game a ten! In fact, I only played this game for 15 minutes to see if there were any boobies in it, and there aren't.

Oh, and, uh, blahbity blah charecters dialouge. I'm a fucking internet reporter PIMP!

A dangerous foe approaches! Watch out!

The battle system is exactly like every other RPG Maker game, being a direct ripoff of Dragon Warrior. There are rumors that there will be powerful "spells" and "techniques" that you can use in the revolutionary new "leveling up" system, in which each character has a class and by leveling up, gains new spells or techniques!

But despite that, these video game MASTARZ stop at nothing to make the most out of it! I guarantee you this is fast paced, furious menu-browsing going on here, folks! I can promise you this: IT'S YOU AND THE MONSTERS AND ONLY ONE OF YOU BITCHES IS LEAVING THAT BATTLE SCREEN ALIVE!!! YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE THAT INTENSITY, MOTHERFUCKERS?!!! THERE AIN'T NO GOD-DAMN MERCY WHEN YOU GET SLIME ATTACKED! UNLIKE "YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION" YOU DO NOT TAKE A SLIME AND FUCKING LIVE TO TELL ABOUT IT!!

This is the much-anticipated title screen.

When asked about the key players in a press release, very little information was divulged except that the main character will be a green-haired cross dresser by the name of "Evk," and that "WrexSoul" will certainly make an appearance. Other rumors circulating the characters include a large republican, a pirate, a maid, and a talking cat.

I asked "Is there going to be a lady with big boobs wearing six square inches of cloth?" but I was shouted down by that asshole from Gamespot asking about a release date. You know what Gamespot's servers run on? CHOPPED UP BABIES. People, please! Do not go to Gamespot! Ever! Hitler has risen from the grave and christened Gamespot's reign of terror the fourth reich!

This is the overworld map! OMFG!!!!1

For those of you who love music, WrexSoul himself himself is on the job of composing the most beuautiful tunes to ever grace a video game, by which we mean that he stole all the music from video game midi download sites. Expect it to be a flavorful medley of past tunes and stolen work!

And it's all in MIDI format! Since a preview has to be 100% ass-kissing positive, I love MIDI files!! Maybe they'll release a soundtrack on CD and I can snuggle up with it at night and it'll take my mind off the fact that I live a cold, empty life hyping shitty games on the Internet and that nobody will remember all of my shitty writing ten minutes after a game comes out, let alone after my looming death! Oh boy!

Much care and planning has gone into naming the monsters.

When pressed for issues concerning the plot of this game, EvkWrex Productions spokespersons were reluctant to release details, citing vague hints of the existance of some Beef Jerkey, and "less plot-related areas" such as a cave, a price chopper, a brothel, revolutionary france, and outer space. So I made up my own plot! Or I can lie and say that rumor is this is a plot, take your pick:

Some stupid stuff happens! Then you eat beef jerky and fart so hard that you fly into space! And then you confront a pair of bouncing cartoon boobs and listen to a really loud MIDI stolen from Castlevania!

More combat! HOLY SHIT.

There is also rumor that there are going to be 40 new exciting mini games! These include "Check everyone's house for underwear," "See how many random monster battles you can get into on one floor of the dungeon," and an advanced card game the likes of Triple Triad, called "Tic Tac Toe," where you have X and O cards, and the first to get 3 in a row wins!

In conclusion, from what we can conclude from this demo, THIS IS A GREAT GAME AND EVERYONE SHOULD PREORDER IT NOW. I can't go on about how fun this was and you can only sit and read about it and wish you had the opportunity to be a reviewer and play all these HOTTT new titles yourself. But I guess you'll just have to suffer and take my word on it!

This is dipshit Salamando's Stove reporter, and certainly not WrexSoul, signing out. Later, SUCKAZ.

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Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.