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What's with your stupid name? Why don't you give the site A COOLER name? How about A POINTLESS IMAGEMAP OF FINAL FANTASY? That would be cool! And then you could like click on diffrent buildings! Like if you click on the inn, you get the features section! Wouldn't that be cool? Hello?

Are you stuck in 1995 or just incredibly tasteless?

Why don't you guys post create-a-wrestler information for your staff? I could be Ironsides and use a Jacknife Powerbomb on someone! That would be cool! Ted DiBiase rules!!!

Shut up.

Would you explain the ending of Final Fantasy 8 to me? What was all that crap where Rinoa's face turned into goo and shit? How did Garden gain the ability to fly like 100 feet off the ground?

We thought for a long time about the answer to your question. Here it is: We hate you. Please mail us your address so we can cast clops on you.

I was just wondering what the Japanese call Moogles? In FF6 they are called moogles. In FF7 they are all called Mogs and Cait Sith supposedly rides a stuffed cave moogle. And in tactics, they sometimes cast "mogri," but I only know that from people ranting about its "bad translation." And I don't know about FF8, because I only played up until the part where you go to Dollet, and based on playing it for 20 minutes I'm going to say it sucks and it's the worst Final Fantasy ever.

I've met some stupid people in my life, but never, ever, have I met someone so stupid that they waste time thinking about what a made-up race of white things is called, let alone wasting everyone else's time to write in and ASK. I can only lament the precious resources used to transmit this pointless message from you to us, and the time I had to waste writing a response when I could have been doing something more enjoyable, such as applying a cheese grater to my own face. You suck.

There aren't that many PSX RPG's left that really interest me a whole lot and there seem to be a lot of high quality RPG's on the PC. My question is, which would you recommend? The only one I've played so far has been Baldur's Gate 2. It's been a very enjoyable game so far, (I've reached chapter 1) but it has been a little tough to get the hang of. Like this one time I was walking around and my mom said it was time for bed and I was like FUCK YOU MOM and then she hit me and grounded me and then dad yelled and said he'd ship me off for military school for that and also for the time I put my little brother in the car and pushed it into a ditch. But are there any good RPG's out there that are more console-style? The only one I've heard of is Septerra Core, and that's a tough one to find, because it's a horrible unplayable piece of shit. And if there aren't many console-style games, which RPG's would you suggest anyway? Thanks...

I find it rather amazing that you claim there are a lot of high quality RPGs on the PC and then can't think of any. What are you basing that off of - ? Wait a minute; You're a Baldur's Gate II fan. I forgot that means that you don't operate under the normal rules of logic. Therefore, instead of some computer RPG, for you I would recommend a very slow and very painful death. I'll help. Hold still.

I've got a few questions about Final Fantasy 9, because I'm an idiot who can't use a FAQ:

  1. What is the maximum level your characters can reach? I would assume it's 99 again, but you never know...
  2. I've gotten all of the normal Chocographs (the ones that you select in the Chocograph menu,) but I'm not really sure if I've gotten all of the ones in the Key Items Menu. Will it tell me when I've gotten them?
  3. Ozma, is it worth beating him? I've noticed that most of the time my Eidolons do less damage then some of Vivi's magic.
  4. Where did Garnet get those boobs? She looks like a twelve year old with melons under her shirt.
  5. Why isn't Eiko wearing pants?
Well, I guess that's it. Please write back soon so I can go back to seeing how many pinecones I can fit in my toaster.

Let's see here.

  1. Don't you know what a FAQ is? Are you so stupid that it's easier for you to type up your idiot question and send it in and wait for a response as opposed to just going to GameFAQs?
  2. I find it amazing that in this day and age, with so many things to do and places to go, you can find it in your tiny malformed brain to care about this. Oh no! You're missing a chocograph! Let's stop the galaxy while you look for it!
  3. No. Don't be stupid.
  4. Square's trying to go back to thier old-time style, which means weird looking deformed charecters. After all, why have realistic people when you have fucked-up action figures?
  5. It's a summoner thing. You wouldn't understand.

I'm temporarily trying to stop playing RPG's. It's hard so far, it's only until I finish passing in my big important papers for University. The one I'm working on now is called "I'm Sorry: The Fisty Years" and it requires a lot of concentration. I thought maybe watching an Anime would help make it easier, but I'm low on cash, do you know any good 1-3 tape Anime's that I could rent? I've seen Akira, Project A-ko, and I think those are the only two relatively short ones I've seen. How long is Cowboy Bebop?

Sweet Ajora, you're an idiot. Look at the name of the site. Does it say, "Salamando's Anime Recommendations"? No. And do you know why? HUH? DO YOU KNOW WHY? Because we are a FUCKING VIDEO GAME SITE. Got it? Video Games. Not anime. OK? Anyway, my recommendation for you is to come up with a question about video games. Come on, it isn't hard. All the half-alive asses up there managed to do it, and if THEY can do it, I'm sure even a mental insolvent like yourself can make one, and I'm sure we'll print it and we'll have to answer it like we do with all the stupid letters we get here. Okay? Run along now.

After all those Summoners features, aren't you running a little low on FF Tactics portraits to screw up? Aren't you a little sick and tired of doing that?

You have no clue.

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Written by Wrexsoul and Evk and posted on 03-04-01.
This article is 2001 Nick Hammer and Zach Francks.
Evk@salamando.net WrexSoul@salamando.net

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.