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 You're an Absolute Fucking Moron If You Didn't Know This

You're still here? Good god, a merciful death is all I ask.

First, aquire the Form of Bat. Now go to the area above the catacombs. On the right before you drop down a long ways in a door. Go in it. No - go IN - no. Here, let me see the fucking controller. There. Okay. Now go through the door on the right - no, your other right. Yeah, there it is. Okay. Now go through another door on the right - no, that's not it - yeah. Okay. Now go up to the weird save point and press Up. No, that's down. Yes, it's down because you're crouching. There you go.

Now you should be in "Nightmare". Listen to the stupid voice acting. Okay. Beat up the Succubus. She's really easy. Wait you... Man, I can't believe you just died. Go back to the... what do you mean you didn't save? Do I have to tell you to wipe your ass too? ... I didn't need to hear that.

Okay well go back to the room. Okay go LEFT this time. Yes this is a normal save point. Yes overwrite existing save file. Okay now go beat up the Succubus again. Good. Finally. Now pick up the ring - no, it's right there. That thing on the ground - yes, there you go! Okay! Save your game before you fuck up again. Now go get Echo of Bat. No, I'm not going to tell you why. Just do it.

Okay! Now go to the catacombs. Head right and you'll come into a room that's pitch black with a lot of spikes - NO! Don't jump into them - ... okay. Load your game. No, that's not it. No. No - hit down. Now X. No, X. There you go. Okay. Go back to that room.

Okay, change into a bat. No, that's a wolf. There you go. Use the Echo to see where the spikes are and avoid them. Well then press the button more than ONCE genius. THERE you go! Very good!

Okay. Go right and drop down the pit - yes, I'm sure it won't kill you. Just do it. Okay. Now go left and pick up the Spikebreaker armor - it's right on the pedistool. There!

Okay. Go to the chapel. It's the big place. With a lot of bells, remember? No, that's the colisseum - there. Okay. Put on the Spikebreaker armor. Go through that door - no, it dosn't go to candyland - okay. Good. Go into that room at the end.

Okay! After Maria's done talking, pick up the other ring. Put them both on. No, you can't put them both on the same hand - okay. Good. Go to the room with the clock. That's the clock tower. No, the other one. No, they're not the same! No, the.... okay give me the damn controller. THIS room with the clock. See? The floor will drop out and you'll be in a big square room. Stop giggling. STOP IT! Good! Now pay attention! Get on that platform and Maria will give you the Holy Glasses. Put them on - no, put them on Alucard. There. Okay. Save your game again. Now go fight Richter.

Hit the orb above his head to make Shaft come out - what's so funny? Oh, I get it. Ha ha. That's right, laugh.

There. You're done.

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Written by Wrexsoul and Evk and posted on 03-04-01.
This article is 2001 Nick Hammer and Zach Francks.
Evk@salamando.net WrexSoul@salamando.net

Salamando's Stove is all a big ol' 1999-2000 Zach Francks and Nick Hammer.